Respectful Parenting IRL: Allowing Imperfection

voices of your village Mar 24, 2022


00:00:02    Arna

"It's important to have the end game in mind like, why am I doing what I'm doing? And that's I'm looking to raise adults."


00:00:14    Arna

"Like they're young. And these behaviors won't translate into adulthood."


00:00:21    Arna

"It's not just my kids like it's all my relationships. So it's my marriage, my friendships." 


00:00:29    Arna

"It's a pretty phenomenal movement, and the future is emotionally intelligent, and I see it manifesting." 


00:00:38    Arna

"It sucks that I'm in my 30s, and just now learning this. I'm glad I'm learning it at 30 and not at 50 or 60 or 80."


00:00:49    Alyssa

Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a Master's degree in Early Childhood Education and co-creator of the Collaborative Emotion Processing method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans, raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips. Let's dive in together.

Welcome to our new limited series, "Respectful Parenting: In Real Life". I get to hang out with some folks and dive into what this work looks like outside of scrolling through Instagram, or that picture perfect snapshot of respectful parenting. What does it look like when you drop the ball, when it's messy, when we're imperfect humans, and when our kids don't respond perfectly as we planned. Buckle up for some real stories from real humans. And I hope that you get to see glimpses of yourself or your kids in these stories to know that you definitely are not alone in this journey. And there's a village of folks walking right along side you. Alright, let's dive in.


00:01:25    Alyssa

Hello. Today I am here with Arna, Arna is a village member. She's been in our village membership from the jump from when it first opened and Arna I'm so excited. I was sharing with you that when I mentioned to you that I was meeting, or when I mentioned to our team that I was meeting with you this week to have this conversation, the entire team was jealous that I got to hang out with you. You're such a present member in our village membership and really active and engaged. And so we've had this opportunity to get to know you more into watch your personal work in re parroting and in respectful parenting unfold. And it's been awesome to have a front-row seat to that. You've been doing such incredible work. And just as a little background for folks Arna's a mom to two kiddos, a three-year-old, almost four year old and a one year old. So 3 & 1 are really the wheel houses we're looking in today, and we'll talk about how it might show up differently from kid to kid and all that jazz too, but Arna, hi, first of all, welcome. 


00:02:34    Arna

Thank you. Good to be here. I'm excited too. I don't know. It feels kind of like a privilege to be recognized by your team because of how transformative everyone on the team has been for me. So it's just good feelings all around. 


00:02:53    Alyssa

Well, we very much enjoy you and I am jazzed to get to hang with you for a bit today. So let's chat first. You know, we talked about how, in respectful parenting, I think there's often this idea that if you do this perfectly, then your kids will stop expressing emotions or even experiencing hard things. And it'll just be this glorious peace and calm every day, and you'll feel good about it everyday. And everything will go peacefully. And we know as we're doing this work, day in and day out. But that's not the reality, nor is it the goal. And, yeah, what comes up for you there around like that perfection component? 


00:03:42    Arna

Well, I guess it's a lifelong practice for me to let go of that part of me that is a perfectionist and has these perfectionistic tendencies. It's for me, this work having the kids and showing up for them in an emotionally intelligent way. I thought I was doing it for them, but it's actually it's been for me. And when I say that, I mean that by giving my kids permission to not be perfect, I'm slowly allowing myself to not be perfect. And that's been really healing, because I've been carrying this enormous weight of perfectionism and its really held me back in a lot of areas of my life. So as I learn to just be vulnerable and step into those things that are scary and make me afraid, I'm a better mom, and I'm a better person because of it. 


00:04:48    Alyssa

Oh, I love it. It's been fun to watch that from the outside. Like I really feel like I've gotten to see that in how you show up in the membership, both for yourself or in ways that you advocate for yourself and for support and advice, but also the ways you show up for other humans too. It's been really rad. Yeah, I mean, I've always just loved people and getting to know people. It's just always been something I've done. My mother fostered that within me, and I've run with it, and it's really cool to see where people are at and see their struggles. And sort of if I've been in that experience offer some guidance, solidarity, whatever it is. But the biggest lesson I'm taking now is to let people tell me what they need and go with that instead of me, assuming my lived experience is the same as theirs and trying to give them advice when what they just need is someone to listen so that that's been the biggest work of this last year for me in the village. And it's been really great, because it's also helping me again. All of this work helps me realize I can advocate for myself, and I ask for what I need. And there's nothing wrong with that, but I was so conditioned to not know that, that it's a practice and why it sucks that I'm in my 30s. And just now learning this. I'm glad I'm learning it at 30 and not at 50 or 60 or 80. And I love that we've got kids growing up now that are learning this younger and younger because of what that will mean for the way that we interact in society just moving forward. It's a pretty phenomenal movement, and I'm really excited. I'm all here for it, because the future is emotionally intelligent, and I see it manifesting, and it's coming through the ranks, and it's really cool to see. 


00:06:46    Alyssa

So cool to see. And as you're talking about you developing this tool box, to advocate for yourself and the permission to advocate for yourself, I'm wondering how that shows up in your parenting in terms of your expectations behavior wise from your kiddos? 


00:07:05    Arna

Yeah. So, I mean, my kids are kids. And I think my kids act like any other kids, which is, they're developing their learning skills. I have to constantly remember that my daughter is three. She's only had three years to know how to do certain things, and I've had 35-36 years. And so the biggest thing for me is just to pause and remember that I've got so much more lived experience. Thank you, kiddo, one second. 


00:07:43    Alyssa

Yeah, totally. 


00:07:45    Arna

But yet the biggest thing is, kids will be kids and don't understand boundaries the same way. It's just a matter of shifting my expectations instead of expecting them to change their behavior. I'm just changing the way that I show up and designing my environment and designing a life to better facilitate what I need from the kids at the time. So I can't expect the kids to not get into scissors like they see scissors and they want to cut. So I have to put the scissors somewhere they can't reach them, it's just I have to be the adult and recognize where my kids are developmentally and just meet them there.


00:08:23    Alyssa

Totally. Yeah, I love it. And like, what a rad real life experience right now, where your child's coming and advocating for a need that she has in this moment. And is it convenient for you? No. And also, she's learning that she's allowed to advocate for her needs and that you'll show up with her in this moment. And a one thing that comes up a lot in the respectful parenting community, or even just like critique of, is how to allow children this space to advocate and build these tools, and also to develop pro-social skills, right? Like how to do so in a way that is pro-social, that if a kid is expressing a need for space, that they can learn to say it instead of hitting someone right like that. 


00:09:18    Arna

Exactly, exactly. And the biggest work for me is, is I was like, when I started this, I was just saying, no, and I've had to shift to a yes mindset. So instead of saying, don't do something, I have to find the way to do it instead. And so that's been a practice of we don't hit. But we can stroke gently. We can't yell, but we can use these words. So what we're working on at the moment is interrupting. So instead of screaming mom from across the house, which happens a lot, our expectation is come up touch me and say, excuse me, mum, and then I will recognize that, and I'll talk to you, and it doesn't take just one time. It takes 50 100 times before we actually start getting these skills. And it can be really disheartening in the beginning, because it takes so much repetition. But after seeing it and working through it and actually getting results now, where I'm starting to see pro-social behaviors from the kids, I realized, oh, my goodness, it is just a lot of work. It is not easy, and it is, it's just hard. It's so hard to show up consistently. And I don't always show consistently, but it's because it takes so much effort to recognize that the kids just don't have the skills that I have. 


00:10:56    Alyssa

Totally. Well and I think one thing there that's huge is recognizing that you're going to front-load right? Like you're going to pour in this work and this time and this energy. And then you will see results slowly. And surely you'll see results. And it's not necessarily going to be that all the sudden your kid comes up and says, excuse me, mom in a regulated tone and whatnot, you're going to see little bits and pieces of results. And then one day you will see her come up and say, excuse me, Mom, but up until that point, you'll see these other little mini wins. And I think one thing that is really cool in the village, and that I've watched happen and unfold there is learning to celebrate those little wins where somebody will share a scenario that if think, if on the outside someone might read it and be like, wow, that feels really overwhelming and stressful, and we read it and would like, yes, that's huge progress, right? Like exactly, counting those little winds along the way, I think, is huge. And I also there been times are like, with, Sagey, where I've said to my husband or to my therapist, like, if I could just get a snapshot of like in a year, this is what it's going to look like or in two years this is what it's going to, what it's going to look like. Then the present-day me is like, okay, this is worth it. I'll keep pouring into this, and we don't have that right? We don't get to like look ahead. And I have the I have the privilege of having done this work with so many children that I've seen that, right? I've seen it unfold with other people's kids that it's helpful for me now with Sagey, but I totally recognize how disheartening it is at the beginning when you're like, I'm pouring in all this effort, and will it ever change? 


00:12:42    Arna

Yeah. And you actually bring up something really important, which is it's important to have the end game in mind like, why am I doing what I'm doing? And that's I'm looking to raise adults like. And what do I want my kids to believe and think at the end of our time, living under the same roof? And it's hard to take that step back, when I'm in the thick of it, like I'm home all the time. We're just I'm at home with the kids as a stay-at-home mom right now. And that's a level of chaos that I didn't understand what I was signing up for. And it's hard to remember that the kids like they're young and these behaviors won't translate into adulthood. And I'm out of my depth. I haven't spent a lot of time with little children like this. And because of that, I just it feels uncomfortable. And I doubt myself all the time. And that's why the village is super helpful, because, well, it is an echo chamber of sorts. It's a really it's a positive reinforcement, a reminder in solidarity that we're all doing this. And there are parents that are ahead of me in the parenting game that I can look forward to to see how they're translated into into their skills of kids. And so yeah, it's super cool just to see how these kids are growing up, because I wasn't raised around emotionally intelligent children, and I haven't had that much exposure to it. And so it's hard to trust that I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes. I do have a lot of doubt in a lot of fear because it is hard. And when it feels hard, it feels like it's the wrong decision. 


00:14:39    Alyssa

Oh I totally know. Yeah, that makes absolute sense. And our brains designed to say, like, this is hard and uncomfortable. Run away from it. Go back to its cozy and comfortable, even if it's not something we want to repeat like the discomfort. Yeah, and the fear of like, what will this look like? Can you paint a picture for me of what, maybe a scenario of like how this shows up in your day-to-day, realistically like where it's real and raw and imperfect. 


00:15:10    Arna

Oh, everywhere? It's not just my kids like it's all my relationships. So it's my marriage, my friendships. I do do some work outside the house. It comes up there too. It's just it's human relationships. But with the kids, it's like, my kids are messy. And I shouldn't say that, my kids like to make mess pull things out of boxes. They this morning we had food dye all over the kitchen. They squawk, they bicker, and like the negotiating boundaries, but they don't have the language yet for it. So, I mean, it comes up every day, almost all the time. It's just it's a full-time job times three, but like I can't actually separate where it doesn't come up because, like, it's just it's constant. Like I'm, you know, I think the hardest season of my parenting journey for me, just because it requires so much supervision for the kids. And because I don't get as much time to reflect, I'm not always showing up in the way that I want. And sometimes I do snap, and I just I can't, like I get dysregulated and I can't access language. It gives me a boatload of empathy for what the kids are going through, because I'm just sometimes my brain shuts down, and I start squawking at the kids, actually using words, though it's, I'm just as imperfect as they are. And I'm building the same skills alongside them at times. But because of that, the, like I said, the empathy I have for the two is just growing because as they push my buttons, they're also showing me where I can show up for myself a little more. 


00:17:06    Alyssa

Yeah, oh, I love that. And I love that mindfulness of like, oh, they I'm imperfect, and I lose my cool, and I get dysregulated, and they're allowed to as well, this idea, we call them tiny humans in the village, or I refer to them as tiny humans, because I want to continue to come back to they're humans right like we cannot expect them to not be tired, not be cranky, not have a hard day, not feel disappointed or embarrassed and not really know what to do with that. 


00:17:39    Arna

And just what I really appreciate about having the girls right now is they just so comfortable to express themselves that I really get a glimpse into what's going on in their world in a way that I didn't expect. And like you taught me this lesson, which is that babies are phenomenal communicators and having that framework having the second child, I was able to really get to know my baby in a way that I didn't expect, because I just had that framing of she's a communicator. And because of that, it was really beautiful to sort of be her mom in those those first 12 months, knowing that everything she had to say was valid. And it wasn't that she was trying to inconvenience me. She was trying to get her needs met, and it was it was freaking awesome, really, I can't say it any other way. I'm just so grateful to have had that framing and get to know my kids with that. Because, yeah, we, we are close, and we are bonded, and it's great. She's like, she's a rad, like they, both my kids are just wild rad, awesome kids. I really love everything about them, and I know everyone, hopefully feels the same way, because kids are just great. 


00:19:08    Alyssa

Totally, and they're annoying and they're gross, and they can be messy, and inconvenient. And they like, they're all in like that whole packet. Just the other day. I did something. And my husband said something about how he loves how weird I am. And I, I feel that like that, like yes for Sage, right? Like, I love how weird you are. I love your unique weirdness, and I also feel annoyed and frustrated and disappointed and overwhelmed. And all those things sometimes too. And I guess like, isn't that we don't feel any of these things, us, them, whatever, it's that we are safe to feel them, right? And so when you say you squawk, you lose your cool, Etc. What does that repair look like for you? 


00:19:55    Arna

So repair for me wasn't something that was modeled growing up. And I'm still struggling with repair. I feel blocked like I am finding, I'm slowly, but surely, learning to sit down with the girls and acknowledge what happened, what my role in it was, and actually repair. But that's a fairly new phenomenon in my life, and I've still got a long way to go. But like an example was I was getting the the older child dressed yesterday, and we needed to get out of the house. And so I had to put her clothes on for her and screaming and kicking and crying. Obviously, like, just she want to do it herself, and we didn't have time, she didn't understand. So later on, when we got home from where we were at, I sat down with her next to her on the bed and just said, "Hey, I don't like the way I showed up in this situation. And I could tell that you didn't enjoy it either" And we talked about it. And so I, instead of going into assuming what the kids think or feel, I've started, just asking. And how was that for you? And I just give them a forum. And I've just learned to shut my mouth and listen. And then at the end say, sorry, but yeah, repair for me, does not come easy. It doesn't come naturally. I hate it. I don't enjoy it like I see the value in it, but I still fight it every time. And I think that's just going to be my work for a while, honestly. 


00:21:49    Alyssa

Yeah, yeah, it's our village focus for February. So buckle up. 


00:21:58    Arna

Ooh yes!


00:21:58    Alyssa

Yeah, it's, I think that's true for so many of us, I think so many parts come into play with repair of like, I know for me, the idea of respect and obedience for the folks in charge of you was really huge for me growing up. And so there's a part of me that's like, I don't have to repair.


00:22:19    Arna



00:22:20    Alyssa

You know, like, they're just supposed to listen. They're supposed to follow the rules. We had to get out the door I gave them, just this just happened this morning. Same scenario. We're trying to get out into the snow, Sagey loves playing in his sled and loves being in the snow hates the process of getting the snow suit on, right? And I'm like, great. I'm going to do so many things that are going to be really calming and engaging. I'm going to put so much intention into this, and then he's screaming and arching his back and throwing, and like, no matter how many pauses I took and songs I sang, he didn't want to get his snow suit on. And he does want to go outside, and we're going to. And so there was just going to be this part. That was the messy middle, right that we're just in. And when I accepted like, we're just going to be in this, and I'm not going to try and make this fun for you right now, or sing my way out of your, or play a game, or distract you out of your moment of getting your snowsuit on. I'm just going to be in it with you. When I personally accepted that, then my experience of it changed right, like I wasn't overwhelmed with it anymore. All of a sudden, my heart rate was slowing. I had to accept like this is going to be part of it. And I'm not failing because he's throwing a tantrum as we are getting the snow suit on. He's telling me I don't want to get it on. And I'm saying, I hear you, bud, and we're going to put it on outside. It's my job to keep you safe. And this is part of that. And that's it. Right? Like now, he's allowed to feel, but I had to get to the point of accepting that. And then later, once we're in the sled, and he's happy as a clam, we're going around. I paused at one point and said, "Woof, getting out the door was really hard, buddy. You really didn't want to get your snowsuit on. I totally get that. It stinks that part of playing in the snow is getting all the gear on, and it's not awesome." And that's it. 


00:24:21    Arna

Yeah, yeah, it's just acknowledging their perspective and for me one mistake, I don't know if it's a mistake, but it was an opportunity for me to grow when I first started changing the way that I thought about parenting and kids, because I didn't start with this understanding of sensory regulation and and all the stuff that comes with being part of the village when I first started, I did try to control everything. And I was, I did try and reduce meltdowns. I did try and make my kid's life more comfortable, thinking that that was my job. But that isn't what my role as a mom is. It's to be the boundaried, steady, knowledgeable force in the kids lives that will guide them in the right direction, but holds them accountable when they don't have the skills to do it yet. And so that that's been a journey too, because at the beginning, I definitely I was so uncomfortable with putting the kids snowsuits on, that I would just cancel plans. And as I've learned to sit in the discomfort and experience those feelings myself, I'm a stronger, more intentional mum because of it. 


00:25:49    Alyssa

Yeah. Oh, it's so key. The learning to sit in the discomfort ourselves, I think, is the hardest part of this. Oh, gosh, yeah. And that's not the answer that I wanted. That's the answer I needed, but it's not the answer I wanted. I wanted it to be easier, like I wanted kids to be obedient and to do what I asked. And I'm starting to see that behavior with the children, but it's because we got uncomfortable first, like it's the growth comes from the pain, and we had like, we have to have those painful moments of just clashing with each other. And from that, we grow stronger because we repair, and because we talk about it. And yeah, I'm by no means perfect, and I am by no means the best mom. But I am the best mom for these kids because of the way that I'm approaching it, and just showing up like, I'm just committed to continually being better now, which I love. Just giving myself permission to not get it right, but to try again. And just that's what repair is. It's an opportunity to try again. 


00:27:06    Alyssa

I love that so much, and you said something in there, this idea that we want them to be obedient and to listen to us and to be able to have that like back and forth if we say this, and they listen. And that, really, the key to that is that messy middle, and I think that so often, when we see kids who, we say something and they push the boundary, or they're expressing their emotion, and it can look like we're being permissive to that behavior. And so then I think, like more punishment or positive reinforcement or distraction, or really trying to stop the behavior comes into play, which then doesn't allow us to get to that place of, oh, we are having this respectful back and forth. And I was just actually talking to my therapist about this last week, that Sage is right now into throwing his spoon when we're eating. 


00:28:07    Arna

Been there too. 


00:28:09    Alyssa

And he would throw it. And I said, Bud if you throw your spoon when we're eating, then you're going to be all done with it. And we can try again at the next meal. And that's the boundary for us. And so he at nine and a half months, looks at me and throws his spoon. And yep, exactly. That's exactly it, looks me in the eye and drops it...oh, like this?


00:28:36    Arna

And, I don't mean to cut you off...


00:28:37    Alyssa

No, go ahead!


00:28:39    Arna

There's a huge part of me that says he's doing that intentionally, just to tick me off, and he knows the rules, because I'm going through the same thing. And I have that voice in the back of my head because mine does, like people can't see us. But eye contact, hand up, drop.


00:28:54    Alyssa

Yep, that's exactly it. And then he will right now he'll turn, and he'll look at the spoon then when it's on the ground, and he'll look at me and he'll go ehh. And I'm like, oh, buddy, are you disappointed that your spoon's on the ground, and now we're all done with it, and he will, and he's very much into big expressions. Like I said, getting out the door arched back full screen. But in these moments, we remain connected, and he will Express his emotion and he'll get like, even more frustrated. And sometimes he'll cry out and I'll let him know like, yeah, it, I understand, that's really frustrating. You want to have that spoon, and you want to play a game where you drop it, and I pick it up, and I'm not playing that game right now. And truly just by like, validating that for him, right now goes so far. It's not stopping the behavior. He still dropping the spoon, he will for a little while. And my job is not to make that stop. My job is to let him know that he's allowed push that boundary. It's not going to change the boundary, 


00:30:01    Alyssa

and he's allowed to be upset about the boundary being held. 


00:30:05    Arna

Yes. Yeah. And that's a really good point. Because again, repair wasn't modeled. Neither was boundaries in the framework that I'm using them. And yeah, boundaries, like knowing that it's my job to set boundaries, and it's the kids job to push the boundaries actually helped me find humor in the way that my kids, like my kids. But just, oh, my gosh, Alyssa yesterday, the older one got into, we have flour in the pantry, and she mixed up a mixture of flour water and dish soap and spread it all over the kitchen floor and was ice-skating, which yes, it was messy, and I could have lost my mind. But knowing what she was looking for in just experimenting and moving her body, I couldn't help laugh like it was pretty funny. 


00:31:01    Alyssa

It's creative. 


00:31:02    Arna

Oh, it was so creative. And while like, don't get me wrong, it is demoralizing as an adult, as a parent to be responsible for these kids that just come and undo everything I do. And I'm really like I'm struggling a lot with that, and that's something I'm working on within myself, because I know that it's not intentional, it's just they're exploring their world. And this is the only world I've got to explore at the moment because of the way the Public Health crisis is playing out and so. Just finding humor in these moments is helping me see them for what they're, what they're doing, what they are. And because I find it funny, like I'm enjoying parenting so much more by letting go of this idea that the house has to be spotless all the time, letting go of the idea that the kids have to be dressed all the time, letting go of the idea that they have to eat everything I give them that they have to listen to me, because none of that is true. And if I'm really honest with myself, I want to raise, like, part of my job is I want to raise kids who grow up into adults that do question things that do examine the world around them. And if something isn't just, I want them to have the courage and conviction to say something, but that doesn't come without practice. And part of that practice is somewhere safe, like here at home, where they are allowed to practice boundary-pushing, and they are allowed to voice their opinions. And they are allowed to have a point of view, because I think that's important. And I think the world needs people who are regulated and objective and will listen to one another. And we can't listen until we first feel heard. And so if we've got kids that are coming up with the perspective of feeling heard, it's amazing how much more space I can hold for other people, knowing that I'm being heard somewhere else as well. And the village has really given me that. Yeah. So it is. It's been amazing because this group of parents and it's not just parents, I know there's nannies and a few other childcare educators that are in there too. But just having that solidarity and feeling heard has really allowed me to find the space to hold space for other people in a way that I haven't before. And I'm so thankful for that. Like from the bottom of my heart, it's awesome. 


00:33:45    Alyssa

That's awesome. That's sweet to hear, you know, with the CEP method. One of the things that we found in our research was the adult, the parents and the teachers that were a part of the research, were experiencing children's expressions differently. It's not so much that there was a huge shift in children's expressions. It was the experience the adult was having, and through that shift in experience, allowed them to be more regulated and then respond to the child's behavior or expression with more intention. And I think that we talk so much about this like, how do we respond in the moment to get kids to do something differently, to have a different behavior to express differently, etcetera? But I would love to see this shift in the conversation to how are we supporting adults so that they experience this expression in a way that they can move through it in a regulated state? So we can respond to the child in front of us from a place of regulation is a game-changer. Like I said, getting out the door. There have been so many times with kids where I've gone through day, and I'm completely and utterly exhausted, because I have taken on all their things as mine to fix and mine to change whether it's behavior or the way that they're expressing or communicating like I am trying to fix it. And when I stopped trying to fix it and I can experience their expression as communication, then I am so much more resourced, right? Like I am not exhausted and overwhelmed in that same way and can respond to them. And then we do have, like I was saying, with Sage at the dinner table, we have this back and forth where he has a hard emotion and expresses it, but we remain connected, and I'm not overwhelmed by him throwing the spoon, because I'm not trying to stop that anymore, or I'm not trying to stop him from expressing his frustration or disappointment anymore. I'm in it with him, and it's just totally different. 


00:35:55    Arna

Right, it's like a tour guide. But the thing is giving myself permission that in those moments where I do lose my cool and I do snap, my kids are gonna have that out in the real world too, like it's not going to be safe and calm and regulated all the time. And so it's important that we experience all of that. And so that's also helped me a lot just understanding that I'm allowed to lose my cool sometimes yes, and come back and repair because other people going to lose their cool. And I don't. I also, I think that's important to see all of those range of emotions. But when I'm regulated and I can shop for the kids, it's great. When I'm not, it's okay. 


00:36:40    Alyssa

Yeah, yeah. And that's the imperfect beautiful part of this. Arna, thank you so much for sharing more about your experience. I think it's so helpful to hear what this looks like in real life. And unlike an Instagram post that you're following and feeling like man, I'm not doing that, or my kid doesn't respond that way. 


00:37:02    Arna

There are lots of tears.  


00:37:06    Alyssa

Is there any one piece of advice you would leave people with that are on this journey? 


00:37:11    Arna

The single most important thing to me as a human being is connect before I correct. So I connect first, and I do this with as many people in my life as I can. This is not just a parenting trick, but if I can connect with someone as a human being before I correct them, or before I have a difficult conversation, it's great. And so I connect then correct. You just cant access the correction without the connection. 


00:37:45    Alyssa

I agree. And I think even I'm going to add to that connect before we collaborate. That like we can't even collaborate with children, we can't be in in community with other adults unless we connect first, unless we feel seen and safe first, I love that Arna. And you do such a gorgeous job of that over in the membership. It's it's awesome every time I see your name pop up in a post. I'm like, yes, this is awesome somebody's going to feel seen and supported in this moment. 


00:38:12    Arna

That's so cool!


00:38:17    Alyssa

And I think something you've really embodied is that it's not about the words that you use. It's about truly connecting and saying, like, oh, I get where they're, I get where you're coming from, like I get what that means. Your words are not scripted, and it's, it's very much you can feel you in it. And I think that's a huge powerful part of this in the connection is that you're not operating from a script. 


00:38:43    Arna

No, gosh, no, no, you right? And I don't want to be around people in my life that are scripted. I love the messy, chaotic aspect of getting to know people like it's truly a lot of fun to just show up and be yourself and allow yourself to be seen in a way that can be deeply uncomfortable. But when you find people that see you for who you truly are, and what you're trying to do do and you're accepted, it's so freaking healing. And it's it's beautiful. And that's I think, where we're at. 


00:39:20    Alyssa

Yeah, I think so, too. And I think sometimes we think that connection means like saying that like, oh, I see that you're feeling whatever. And sometimes connection is like, man that sucks. You know, like it is just the real in the raw, and you do a beautiful job of that. Arna, thank you so, so, so much. I am so jazzed that I get to keep having these delicious conversations with you over in the village. And I hope that everyone else who's in the village is enjoying you as much as as much as our whole team is. 


00:39:48    Arna

Oh, thank you! Such a lovely thing to say.


00:39:49    Alyssa

Thanks for being you. 


00:39:51    Arna

Thank you! 


00:39:53    Alyssa

Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at Take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.


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