How to respond instead of spanking

You're listening to Voices of Your Village, this is episode 195. In this episode we're chatting about how to respond instead of spanking. There's tons of research out there that talks about why spanking isn't productive and how it can actually breed some pretty gnarly things down the road and patterns of abuse for children who were  spanked, then repeating patterns of abuse in adulthood. However, the reality is, that a lot of folks who are turning to spanking are doing so because they're reacting in the moment and they don't know what else to do. And they're afraid of a behavior being on going and repeating itself. And all of the "what ifs?" that come with that. And the fears of a kid, maybe growing up and, maybe it's about respect. Maybe you are nervous that your kiddo wont respect other adults or authority figures and you might fear what that means for them down the road in school or in a job later. And I believe that the adults and parents and caregivers in kids lives want what's best for them and want to support them and help them grow and develop and thrive. And we know that spanking isn't a productive way to do that, so in this episode I'm diving in to what to do instead and how to support our kiddos in the moment in changing behavior and seeing different patterns without using physical force as an adult. Alright folks, let's dive in!


00:01:30    Alyssa

Welcome to Voices of Your Village, a place where parents, caregivers, teachers and experts come to support one another on this wild ride of raising tiny humans. We combined decades of experience with the latest research to create the modern parenting village. Let's dive into honest conversation about real parenting challenges, so it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm your host, Alyssa Blask Campbell.  


00:02:00    Alyssa

Hey guys, I recently, on Instagram in my stories, had a little conversation about spanking, and I got so many questions. I got DMS about one's own personal journey, I got questions about what about Grandparents or people's comments, all that jazz, when you're giving a child space to express or teaching them emotion, processing tools, and someone's like, well, you could just spank them and like get this over with essentially. So we're going to dive in today, We're doing a full episode on it. I think this is really powerful for people, not just if you are spanking your child, have spanked your child, are around people who are saying these things. But also, if you're not, I think it's really important to tune in here for empathy and figuring out how do you connect with somebody who approaches this differently than you do? All right, I reached out and asked for your questions. I was like, throw them at me. I'm going to do this episode. Let me hear it. And y'all came back with a bunch. And so we're going to kind of work through them. But one thing before we even work through these bad boys that I want to point out is that I've never, ever met anybody who had other tools in their toolbox for responding to behavior than spanking and still felt like spanking was the way to go. I honestly think that when you're at wit's end and you've tried things and you feel like nothing else is working that you might feel like, spanking is the only way to see progress here. And I want to hold space for that. I want to validate that man, this is really freaking hard, and you can get really stressed, and it might feel like the only way to get them to listen to you. We're going to dive into some other tools today. But I wanted you to know that I see you. I see you, And I'm here to support you too. This is a place that is shame free, guilt-free, place of support. And there were a bunch of people that reached out in our group. Some people who sent DM's, everybody will remain anonymous that has chosen to be anonymous. I'm just grateful for your vulnerability and reaching out for support. All right, One person said, 


00:04:31    Alyssa

"Give me some data and/or strategies to educate other families who do believe in spanking. I'm firm in my own stance of not using spanking as discipline ever, discipline for me equals to teach, when given an opportunity, how would you discuss this topic to a family who do use spanking as a consequence?"


00:04:55    Alyssa

First of all, I think that that first part is huge. Like "when given an appropriate "opportunity. It's not your job to walk around like shaming people for how they do this. Just like I'm not going to show up to your house and shame you if you yell at your kid et cetera, right? Like first knowing like, what's our role here? And from there, I want to empathize. I want to pop in and be like, man. It's so frustrating when X, Y and Z is happening. I have really been working on this too, And then opening up this discussion, right? Like you don't have, if you come in, and you're like, I saw you spank, and I want to educate you, you're not going to go very far. But if you can start from a place of like, I get the feelings behind it, I get the frustration, I get feeling like you're at wit's end. And here are some things I've been working on. You can even share like dude, I found this podcast, and it's been really helpful. Helpful for me, figuring out like other ways to respond to my kid. And we've been seeing a lot of like cool results from it being able to like open that door a little bit. But giving somebody advice or feedback for something they're not asking for can be really tricky. And I want you to pause and put yourself in their shoes for a minute. Think of the times that you've received parenting advice from somebody well-meaning who's just trying to fill your toolbox. But when you didn't ask, take that into consideration as you kind of move forward, we will for sure in this episode dive into the research. But I want to start by saying, like, if it's unsolicited, you're treading on thin ice. Is that how that goes? Treading on thin ice? Skating on thin ice? That sounds more like it. Here we go. 


00:06:45    Alyssa

"I feel so lost, spank or don't spank. How do I reprimand? How do I set boundaries? Help? Okay, so overall, The goal is to not spank, and you can't just take spanking away from a parent and expect this to work out like you. We have got to build other tools for parents if they're going to stop spanking. They're spanking, because they don't know what else to do. I feel like. So, yes, on the don't spank. And how do I reprimand? How do I set boundaries? First of all, it's figuring you're setting boundaries all the time all the time, when you either let a kid do something, or you don't. If you're like, okay, I don't. If they climb on the couch and jump off into a pile of cushions, great, the boundary you're setting is that they can do that. That that's safe and fine in your household. If you're saying when it's time for dinner, my expectation is that you come sit at the table until we're done with dinner or whatever, like boundaries are expectations that we then enforce. So all the time we're saying, here's our expectation, what we have to know about boundaries, and we have a full episode, episode number 3, all about boundaries for sure dive into that bad boy. Also check out episode 78 on expectations because it can help you outline, what are your expectations? What do you want to see from them? A lot of the times we're like blaming kids for not following rules that we never actually communicated. If you're feeling like you are winding up at wit's end and not knowing what to do with kiddos. I want to be able to at the end of the day pause and look back and say, man, where did the wheels come off the bus? Where did I not let them know what was coming up next, or how to appropriately behave in this situation, or ways that they could express, if they were feeling frustrated or coping strategies they could tap into if they were disappointed, We've got to look at ways that we can best support them. So at the end of the day, if we can reflect back and say, hmm, I keep seeing this behavior from this kid, and it's not changing, or it's getting worse or whatever. I want to look and say, what are they communicating? What don't they understand about this? And where is it my job to then teach them about this? And we don't teach through physical punishment. We teach by giving them a different tool box. If a kid is hitting, they're hitting because they don't know what else to do. Just like if you're spanking, you're spanking because you don't know what else to do. They're doing the same thing these behaviors are coming from a place of I'm having a feeling, and I don't know how else to communicate it. So I'm doing what I know how to do. And sometimes that feeling is I'm trying to connect with you. I feel left out. I feel like I haven't had your attention all day, and I miss you, and I don't know how else to say that, or communicate that I think so often when kids are trying to connect with us. And we're seeing what we call attention-seeking behavior, which we reframe to connection seeking behavior. We end up punishing them for it. And instead they're saying, man, I'm just trying to connect with you. I don't know how else to do it. I'm trying to get your attention. Maybe when I do this one thing it gets your attention, even if that attention is negative. So I want to pay attention to like, what are they communicating with us? And what's our role here? Where are we dropping the ball here? 


00:10:25    Alyssa

When it comes to discipline we have a whole episode on discipline, its episode number 46 and it's delicious, so dive in to episode number 46 and find out other ways to discipline a child. And what discipline really means to us. Any suggestions on managing when other people spank. Here, it's going to come back again to like, is this your kid, or somebody else's? If it's yours? Be a fierce advocate for your kid, over 50 years of research has shown that spanking not only is it not effective, but repeated exposure can actually reduce gray matter volume in part of the prefrontal cortex that plays a really crucial role in social cognition. So not only does it not get the benefits that we are desiring of like, oh, this kid will no longer do this behavior, or they'll listen to me. We are actually affecting the brain in a negative way. Also, just like, let's break this down and think about this for a minute. What you're saying is, if somebody doesn't listen to you, if somebody doesn't follow your rules, it's okay to hurt their body. It's okay to hit them. It would then be no shock to hear that when kids are spanked, they have a higher rate of domestic violence of perpetrating domestic violence and being victims of domestic violence. If you have a child who, when she's not listening to you, you're hitting her, She might think it's totally normal to end up with a partner who, when she's not listening to her partner, they hit her. She might think that that's the expectation. So if this is your child that somebody is spanking, you got a mama bear fierce advocate here and step in and say, like, if you're going to be around my child's banking isn't a choice like here are ways that we are handling this, here ways that we are navigating this behavior. We would love for you to come on board. I'm happy to support you with other tools. I'm not going to let you hit my child. 


00:12:41    Alyssa

"I saw my brother-in-law pop my 21 month old nephew on the butt for not sitting down, how to deal with these emotions?" 


00:12:48    Alyssa

It's so hard when you witness it, I think like honestly, in that instance, what I want to be able to do is connect with the brother-in-law like, I know it's so frustrating when they're not listening. And I was checking out this research the other day about spanking. And I was kind of startled to read some of it. We've been checking out these other resources and working on these other things, I mean, whatever Seed, or any other resources that you have found helpful, to come up with other ways to respond, because this research kind of wild, like at least, planting that seed, ha no pun intended, at least planting that seed of like, hey, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring it to your attention That this isn't the most effective way to do this. They may not respond in the moment, or they might get defensive, because it feels like a judgment of their parenting in all honesty, it is. And you've got to be comfortable with the fact that like it might get uncomfortable for a second, but they might walk away. And like, check something out. Read a piece of research, check out an article, listen to a podcast episode you share with them. 


00:14:01    Alyssa

"Is it ever necessary? Life-threatening situations, Etc." 


00:14:06    Alyssa

No, it's never necessary. There's always another way we can handle this. So say they're like, running into the street, and you try to hit them to let them know they can't run into the street. Instead, I want your voice to change. I want your tone of voice to change. I want your reaction time to change. I want you to go into like I'm going to come scoop you up and let you know, like, with the tone of my voice. That like this is serious, not necessarily yelling. In fact, my serious tone is quieter, and like it just changes, and kiddos, respond to it. They know like, oh, shoot, I don't usually hear this one. And so when I use that tone of voice, it's when I'm coming from a place of like this is not negotiable. This isn't just behavioral, It's really not safe for you. My whole tone will change. And my body language will change, and I'm not waiting for them. I'm not giving them like time to come back.  I'm running and scooping them up off of the sidewalk, so they don't run into that street or whatever. I'm going over and quickly grabbing the knife, or the scissors, or whatever it is that they have that like is life-threatening and explaining...but hitting them does not need to be a part of this. 


00:15:19    Alyssa

"Evidence based research showing that's not the best route route to show your spouse." 


00:15:25    Alyssa

Yeah. So there's a bunch like if you Google this, but the New York Times just came out with an article that has a bunch of research within it. It was last year, November 2018 it has a whole bunch of like links to studies, to back up what their research says. Here's the thing guys. This, I think it was the Times article. Yeah, It was Okay. So the Times article also showed that pediatricians and child psychologists used to think that this was okay. They used to almost recommend it as a means. And then as we learned how to research children better, research of children is not that old, because it's really hard to do. It's hard to be like, okay, you obviously can't set up a control group where you're like, everybody here is going to spank their kids. We're going to see how they turn out, like you can't. You can't do that. And so, how we research kids has been a hard thing over the years, and it's changed, and we've learned other ways to do it. Honestly, technology has been very helpful, I think, in this, but now we have more research. So it's like, know, better, do better in the same way that we're not putting our kids in the same car seats that we were put in as kids, because we learned a lot of kids died like car seat deaths have gone down drastically since we had different car seat laws come into play and different car seats in general, the same with spanking that like, just because your parents spanked you or your partner or whatever. And they "turned out fine", doesn't mean we're still doing that. When we know better and research, it is in insane how much research backs this up Now, 50 years of research really backing up that like, oh, man, spanking is a doozy long-term. We for sure see long-term effects from spanking that are not positive, it's not like, oh, that behavior changed like no, dude, we're seeing more aggression from kids we're seeing anxiety from kids because they're afraid of getting hurt. I want kiddos to know it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to  feel frustrated and disappointed. And it's not okay to hurt somebody's body. It's still your job to be safe with your body and with mine. And you can develop tools coping strategies for processing these emotions. If when our kids are having a hard feeling and they express their hard feeling, if our response is to spank them to make it stop, we are not raising emotionally intelligent humans. My friends, we're not building their emotion processing tools. We're saying, I want your behavior to stop. And I don't know how else to make your behavior stop. So I'm going to hit you to try and make it stop. And actually, what I want to say is, what's the emotion behind the behavior? Why is this Behavior happening? What are they trying to tell me so that I can respond to the emotion and the behavior will stop? 


00:18:22    Alyssa

"What do you do when you're trying to address the behavior and or emotion in your toddler's not paying attention walking away, or trying to disengage?"


00:18:30    Alyssa

Then I would say they're not ready to have this conversation right now. So if it's a behavior like they're hitting, I would stop them from hitting and emotion coach them, and let them know you're going to put them in a safe space until they're ready to be calm with their body, calm with yours, Etc. You can tune into our hitting episode. If you want more details on that bad boy, it's episode number 61. But otherwise, like, say, they're just like doing something that's annoying, whatever, like you address the emotion and highlight it. They're going to take it in, and they are paying attention, whether they're looking at you or not, but they might not be ready to like problem solve or talk about conflict resolution right now. I have also dropped down to kids levels like, say, it's a while after this thing has happened. And I want to address it. I will drop down to their level and say, you're not in trouble, and I'm not mad at you. I want to talk to you about earlier when you were saying you're stupid to your sister or whatever it is, How do you think it would feel? And then if they start to withdraw, I would say, I know this feels uncomfortable. I'm not mad at you. I want to help you make a different choice next time, because I know that you're so kind, and I know you didn't want to hurt her feelings. I know you wouldn't want to make her feel sad. I know that you love her, and I want to help you make a different choice. And then I'm just going to talk. I wouldn't expect them to respond, because right now, they're probably feeling embarrassed about what had happened earlier 


00:26:26    Alyssa

"People might talk about being spanked like a badge of honor or proper raising, thoughts on that?"


00:26:32    Alyssa

Woof. Yeah, dude, my thoughts on that are that they probably feel like that was an effective tool, just like they might think that putting kids in old car seats is fine, too, Like they might not be up to date on research. And that's fine. It's not your job to bring them up to date. You just get to make choices for your family unit. That's it. It's not your job to save the world on this one. You just get to advocate for your family unit. And for you to know man, the research backs you up tenfold, and you can really just like, kind of walk away from it. I actually for me, these triggers are often around like food stuff. When people are talking about food is like either a punishment or reward like healthy, not healthy, etcetera. I learned like I just have to walk away. And know, like there are certain things that we want to enforce with our kiddos and certain things we don't. And I can't engage in this conversation or even like take it in. Sometimes I'll just I will just literally go quiet and not really respond. And I'm obviously a giant extrovert. I mean, I'm talking at a microphone to you, like right now, for half hour, I'm a  giant extrovert and love to chat with people. And so when I go quiet, I think it's kind of powerful where, like I literally stop engaging on the topic. And if people are like trying to bring me into the conversation, then sometimes I've just said, like, oh, I have a different opinion on it, but I don't really want to talk about it right now, or whatever, Like, or I just have a different opinion on it. And if they like, try to egg it on. You can totally say, like, I don't want to have this conversation. You're allowed to say that. And if they can't handle their own feelings around that, that's their responsibility, not yours. Here's another question I got. 


00:28:29    Alyssa

"I have in the past, swatted my kid on the bum when she wasn't listening. For example, after being told to walk with me multiple times, She pulled out of my hand and ran away from me down the road and scared the crap out of me. I feel like I did it as a desperate way to shock her out of what seemed to be a vortex of not listening."


00:28:47    Alyssa

I'm going to pause real quick. I think often what happens is, when we feel fear, we want somebody else to feel fear. So if you were afraid when she ran down the street, then you wanted her to feel fear so that she wouldn't run down the street. It's like an eye for an eye. 


00:29:04    Alyssa

''I feel like I did that as a desperate way to shock her, I immediately regretted it and  apologize, but it happened out of desperation in situation that was getting dangerous because she wasn't listening."


00:29:14    Alyssa

Okay, So here's the thing, I would pop down and say, I would hold her hand either tightly or pop down and say, I'm going to carry you, or you can walk and hold my hand, running away from me right here isn't safe. It's not negotiable. Right? Like we're not negotiating, We're giving them two options that we are comfortable with. She can either hold your hand and walk, or you're going to pick her up. Today, I was on the phone with Rachel, and her daughter was climbing up a ladder and had a lollipop in her mouth. And she was just like, hang on Lyss, turns and she's like, hey Nora, it's not safe to climb with a lollipop in your mouth. You can either come down and have the lollipop, or you can hand me the lollipop, and you can keep climbing. She handed her  


00:30:02    Alyssa

the lollipop. And she was like, can I climb now? Rachel's like, yep, go ahead, because this is how they respond time and time again, Nora knew there was no way her Mom was gonna let her keep climbing with a lollipop. So either she was going to get down, or she was going to hand over the lollipop. If she had done neither and kept climbing, Rachel would have gone over and said, I'm going to pull your body down on the count of three so that I can keep you safe, or you can hand me the lollipop, And she would have pulled her body down on the count of three or whatever, like it's the consistency and letting them know I'm going to follow through this boundary. But first i'm going to set a boundary early, not waiting till I've like, hit my breaking point, but the first time she leaves your hand and you feel scared, You're going to scoop her up and say, you can walk and hold my hand, or I will carry you running away from me is not safe here, and I would walk and hold her hand a little tight, like expecting her to try and pull away. And if she tries, then I would tighten and just say, like, I'm not going to let you run away. Would you like me to pick you up? And she says, no to that than I would keep holding her hand. It's your job to keep her safe. 


00:31:21    Alyssa

"It has only occurred a few times, and those were years ago. And each time me striking her was never in the plan for how to handle any situation. However, they all happened in the same scenario where things started to feel out of control for me as the adult and dangerous for her as the child. I never wanted to put a hand on my child after being spanked myself. And I'm so frustrated with myself that it happened. Why did I do that? How could I respond better or differently. I've heard others talk about that same feeling, or justification as a last ditch effort to snap them out of a behavior that is undesirable and headed somewhere with dangerous consequences. In the few times when I did swat my kids bottom, I apologized after, but always felt that what I said fell short, is there a better way to handle this if I screw up and resort to a spank, which I never want to do again? Or just in general, if I screw up how I handle a situation, I still feel miserably guilty that the a few spanks that did occur ever happened."


00:32:17    Alyssa

First of all, sister give yourself grace, give yourself a pat on the back for showing up, for being vulnerable for opening up about this. And for wanting to do it differently. I'm so proud of you. You were working to rewrite this story, and I'm proud of you. Give yourself some grace here. If it happens again, afterwards, when you're calm, you can say, I shouldn't have hit you. I was really scared that you were going to run into the street. I spanked you, and I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have hit you next time. Instead of hitting you, I'm going to scoop your body up in my arms to keep you safe, or I'm going to hold your hand tight when we're walking to keep you safe. It's never okay if somebody hits you when they're mad, that's it. I'm just going to let her know that phrase, that it's never okay for someone to hit her when they're mad. Now, in terms of you, what you can start to work on is your self-awareness from like when it's starting to build. So if you feel yourself starting to get scared, or starting to get frustrated, if you feel like you're operating at like a seven or an eight like ready to blow it any minute, then we got to work on some proactive tools for you. How to build things into your day that help you generally like operate at a calmer level, lower cortisol. Things like, getting exercise in or meditating for five minutes. I know meditating can like, really turn a lot of people off. You guys, it's just pausing to breathe without any distractions. I like to do with my eyes closed because I'm easily distracted, like oh squirrel, but just pausing to breathe without any distractions. Any screens, anything else. It genuinely changes your brain chemistry. So it'll really like help you feel calmer as a human. But yeah, there are a bunch of things here that we can do proactively to help keep your cortisol lower. And then it's starting to notice things early on. Like, say, you're trying to get out the door, and there is a conflict or your daughter's throwing her shoes, because she's mad, and then you try to leave the house, and she is crying because she's hungry for a snack, and you just stepped outside, and maybe it's all these little things adding up. So then, by the time she runs from your hand, you're already at an eight. And that just puts you over the edge. So what it is, is like when you're trying to get out the door and she throws the shoe, it might be you saying, you know what, I'm going to go take some space. And this is where in the moment you're taking space and you're breathing, you're reaching out to a friend. You are tapping into some mantras or phrases that are helpful in calming for you, looking at like, what am I doing in the moment to walk away and feel calm so that I can come back at a calmer place? So I'm not just like adding a little bit at a time until I blow. A lot of parents will tell me like, they just lose their patience. And like nah sis, you are having little moments all day long where you're not recognizing that it's starting to build. So of course, you're losing your patience. We all would at some point what's key here is taking little breaks throughout the day to juice yourself back up like fill your cup here, Literally like walking away to breathe, or having a minute where there isn't a kid on your body. 


00:35:48    Alyssa

"How to explain our choice not to spank as discipline. I've heard everything from, if she was my kid, she would have been spanked by now, to the mama lion smacks her cubs if they misbehave, its natural, why should it be any different for humans?"


00:36:01    Alyssa

Well, Lions don't have a prefrontal cortex. We have a prefrontal cortex, which means we can get to a place that we call the rational brain where we can do like problem solving and conflict resolution and things like that, that a lot of animals don't have. 


00:36:15    Alyssa

"Since finding this village. I feel like I have better tools for myself not to spank, because before I knew I didn't want to, but under pressure, I've resorted to a spank in the past. It's like I had the vision, but didn't have a solid plan or support on how to execute. I also feel like I have better words to explain this parenting choice now, but it's still tough to articulate, especially on something so sensitive."


00:36:36    Alyssa

Girlfriend. I'm so glad you're here. It is hard. It is hard because nobody is walking around as a perfect parent. Nobody is walking around 100% percent confident in what they're doing. And just saying, like, oh, man, it's totally fine for me to be critiqued, because I'm confident all the time in what I'm doing. So when somebody critiques you, especially if they're hitting a spot that you're already insecure about, it is triggering you're like, ooh, yikes. I'm now feeling sensitive about this, because I was already judging myself for it. And now I feel like somebody else is judging me too. It's totally normal, and it happens across the board. And here I would not feed into it a whole lot. I would either ignore the comments and go over and have somebody you can vent to that can fill your cup, even if it's via text, etc. Just like, hey, I just heard this comment, and I need your support. I use this tool all the time, or if it is something where you're like, I am in this spot, and I want to respond, it's somebody that we're seeing all the time, etcetera. And I would just say, like, I know and like, honestly, we've spent here in the past, and it wasn't effective, and it didn't help. And I'm working on helping her in other ways, and it's so hard. That's it. You can let them know. Like I see where you're coming from. I've actually been there, and I'm trying to do this a different way. 


00:38:04    Alyssa

"Thank you for addressing this. It's tough to talk or ask about, because it's uncomfortable and feel shameful. I've always been mortified and uncomfortable around others who have spanked their kids. And yet I end up doing it myself. I want to learn from past mistakes and grow."


00:38:18    Alyssa

I'm so dang proud of this village. You guys are amazing, and I'm jazzed that we get to have vulnerable conversations to really make giant changes. Okay, Let's see here, got another one. And then I think it's towards the end here, and we can chat about some research. First question is,


00:38:38    Alyssa

"How did our own Mother's survive this thing called parenthood? I guess at the core how do we best communicate with an advanced, obstinate and defiant 17 month old? These past few days have been brutal. She cries non-stop, throws tantrums, the slightest thing that doesn't go her way or fast enough. She's lashing out. I'm at a total loss at how to navigate it, hence the spanking. The throwing and hitting is so bad. And I hear myself, we do not hit mommy, She's so confused. I'm confused at 37 years old."


00:39:11    Alyssa

Girlfriend, yeah it is really hard. It's so hard. If you are finding that like these tantrums are constant, her outbursts are constant. That every little thing that doesn't go her way is a giant deal. First of all, this isn't going to be the, your favorite thing you've ever heard, but I want you to start paying attention to what your modeling, What are your reactions in the moment? What happens when somebody screws up your order at a restaurant? Or somebody cuts you off in traffic, or your partner grabs the wrong thing at the grocery store, or you something, when something doesn't go your way, what do you modeling? Because we can usually start there. We can usually start with like it didn't go my way. And I'm going to say, man, that's so frustrating. I asked you to get corn at the store, and you didn't get it, and that's what we were going to have for dinner. And now I don't know what to make for dinner. I think I need to go for a little walk. I need some space, and then I'll come back and figure out dinner, or you can figure it out while I'm taking space, we can model for them that like we have hard feelings and tap into coping strategies. If when things don't go your way as an adult, you lash out, and you're yelling, and you're getting snippy and snappy. Then yeah, dude, That's what they know. That's what they see. So let's start with our own self-awareness. What are we doing in those moments? What does that look like for us? It's so, so much easier to be like I want to change this kid. Then it is to be like I have to change my own behavior. Trust me, I've a thousand percent been there. I'm like, I know exactly where this is coming from, because I know that I'm modeling it, and it's so much harder to change ourselves. Then it is just be like, why won't this toddler listen to me? Let's look at what we're modeling first. Then from here we can start to also look at like, okay, now, how do we respond to their tantrums? 


00:41:18    Alyssa

Check out two episodes for you here. You can check out episode number 63, How to emotion coach for emotion processing. Also, the Hitting, biting, kicking, spitting one, episode 61 but episode 38 is. So I guess three episodes Hitting, biting, kicking, spitting if you're seeing aggressive behavior, How to emotion coach for emotion processing, 63. And then 38 is one of my favorite episodes of all time. It's about coping and guys coping strategies are the most missed thing in emotion processing. It's the thing that so many of us as adults aren't doing. It's the thing where often missing when we're teaching kiddos this jazz. Let's start there sis. All right, let's take a look at some research, right quick. And then I would encourage you to just honestly Google it. You're going to find so much research. There's literally 50 years of it at this point. 


00:42:10    Alyssa

"Certainly you can get a child's attention, but it's not an effective strategy to teach them right from wrong."


00:42:15    Alyssa

This is about spanking absolutely. You can for sure get somebody's attention. It's not an effective strategy to teach them right from wrong. Recent studies have shown that corporal punishment, spanking is associated with increased aggression, and it makes it more likely that children will be defiant in the future. Spanking alone is associated with outcomes similar to those of children who experience physical abuse. I'm going to repeat that sentence, because man, that's powerful spanking alone associated with outcomes similar to those of children who experience physical abuse. Guys. What I don't want to teach kids Is that, like physical reactions are okay, I don't ever want them. I don't want them to grow up and think they can hit their partner if their partner isn't listening to what they say, or that they can allow themselves to be abused or to be hit. The data indeed show that children who are spanked do not internalized a notion that their behavior was wrong. They do, however, become more likely to endorse aggression and physical means as acceptable forms of resolving conflicts. That's from a psychologist guys. I encourage you to literally Google it. And you can there's so much research out there now on spanking, over the course of the last 50 years that show not just what was happening in the immediate, but then long term. We're seeing some really gnarly things here. And if you need that research to back it up, it for sure exists for you. And keep in mind, people who are spanking or turning to physical means to respond to a behavior or an emotion are doing so because they don't know what else to do in this moment. Let's build those toolboxes. Let's build other ways to respond here. All right. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for opening up. Thank you for trusting us. And thank you most of all, for being so invested in raising emotionally intelligent humans. I'm proud of you guys, and I love this village. I'll catch you on the flip side. 


00:44:31    Alyssa

Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at Take a screenshot of you tuning in, share it on the gram and tag to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.



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