Ask Us Anything About Parenthood

153 - Q&A with Alyssa and Zach

00:00:01    Speaker 1: 

You're listening to Voices of Your Village. This is episode 153. What a fun episode to record! You guys have been requesting an episode with Zach and I, just an ask us anything episode and a lot of the questions that came up were about our relationship and also about parenthood and I had such a blast it was so fun, Zach was so nervous. It was adorable. He's used to being behind the scenes, you know. But we just got to hang out,  you get to hear a snapshot into who we are and what it looked like to kind of get here. We talked about how it wasn't always like this and at this point we have a pretty good flow going but man there was a lot of work to get here. So we took your actual questions that you submitted and dove into some of them. Thank you for submitting questions. Thanks for hanging out with us and just for your genuine love and support on this journey. I have shared a lot of our personal journey and through miscarriage and fertility and our relationships and snapshots into who we are and how our sensory systems and conflict and all that jazz over the years and you guys have been incredible and so supportive and I'm just so grateful to get to walk alongside y'all in this and on this journey and let me tell you I will be calling on y'all as we bring this babe into this world in March because it takes a village and this is our village. All right folks. Let's dive in.  

00:01:41    Speaker 1: 

Welcome to Voices of Your Village, a place where parents, caregivers, teachers and experts come to support one another on this wild ride of raising tiny humans. We combined decades of experience with the latest research to create the modern parenting village. Let's dive into honest conversation about real parenting challenges, so it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm your host, sleep consultant, child development specialist and passionate feminist, Alyssa Blask Campbell. 

00:02:18    Speaker 1: 

Holy moly. Am I ever ready for a Mama's Getaway Weekend. Woof. 2020 has been a doozy and I'm so looking forward to Mama's Getaway Weekend 2021. I will be there in tow with my tiny human as well as we dive into how to do this work. What does it look like to show up as an intentional, conscious parent and partner and person. And it can feel really overwhelming when you're scrolling through the gram or trying to gather all of the information. Mama's Getaway Weekend is a time for you to step away and work on yourself. It's so hard to see these things and work on patterns in your day-to-day life when you're living in it all the time. Pausing to take a minute to work on yourself is huge and goes such a long way Mama's Getaway Weekend is my favorite weekend of the entire year and it's a time for us to dive into these workshops together in person in real time. Mama's Getaway Weekend tickets for 2021 are on sale and they'll never be this low again. We have a limited quantity of our early bird price tickets head on over to mamasgetawayweekend.com to snag yours and join us for the last weekend of September in 2021 in Watertown, New York to dive into this jazz. It takes a village and you don't have to have all of the answers on your own. We are here to support you. Come join us, mamasgetawayweekend.com to snag your hot deal before those early bird tickets are gone. 

00:04:32    Speaker 1: 

This reminds me of those like car questions that you hate that I pull out in the car, sometimes I do this to Zach, where like when we're driving we have a box of those questions that are like conversation starters where I'll be like, how about we turn off the music and we'll just go through some of these questions and it's never his favorite, but we have a good time. But that's what this reminds me of. So people popped in a lot of questions for us, we can start with a softball. How did you guys meet? 

00:05:03    Speaker 2: 

We met on my birthday, 2011. Yep, and we were up at our typical stomping ground.

00:05:18    Speaker 1: 

The go to bar. 

00:05:18    Speaker 2: 

The Greenwich Treehouse. Shout out to the Greenwich Treehouse West Village NYC. And it was very, there were a lot of people there and from across the bar, I heard one voice ring out above the rest that said, "You look like you could be in a boy band." and I turned around and there you were. 

00:05:48    Speaker 1: 

You said, "Thanks. It's my birthday." And then we were just friends for a while in the bar like casually with each other there, and you asked me out on a date the following April. So that was November of 2011. You asked me out on a date in April of 2012 and we went on a date in May you asked me on the date and then you were like and I'm about to leave the country to go to Switzerland, which was a classic - yeah, that was classic. It turns out because after our date you were like, oh, I'm going to leave and go to Vermont for three months. Yeah, but it worked I guess.

00:06:23    Speaker 2: 

Yeah free to try that move. 

00:06:28    Speaker 1: 

Give it a whirl. What's one thing you can never agree on? 

00:06:34    Speaker 2: 

Probably the answer to this question. 

00:06:38    Speaker 1: 

I - it's all temperature related for me like the temperature and the car. Yep in the car that came up and like even water 

00:06:47    Speaker 2: 

I just, we haven't argued about it in a while because I have given up and I just take off every shirt except a t-shirt when we go somewhere.

00:06:55    Speaker 1: 

I just like it to be cozy. 

00:06:57    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, and I and I end up chugging water whenever we get somewhere because I don't like to drink too much water in the car. 

00:07:07    Speaker 1: 

You're stopping for me to pee anyways. You put it in the vows. 

00:07:08    Speaker 2: 

That's true. 

00:07:11    Speaker 1: 

How do you not take it personally when the other one needs space away, I feel like this is for me because you usually need more space than I do. With, if I am frustrated or having a hard feeling I'm not ready to talk about it yet. You just like me to check in to say like whether or not it's about you. 

00:07:31    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, I just like to know that.

00:07:32    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, but if it is about you I still can be like, hey, this is what's up. I'm not ready to talk. 

00:07:38    Speaker 2: 

Yeah I still hate that but it's better than not knowing anything. 

00:07:41    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, but for you for so long, and you need more time than I do typically and I think the most helpful thing, is me having an outlet while I'm waiting for you. Like calling Rach or Maddie and just like having a space to get it out. Also, they always take your side, so like I'll vent 

00:08:05    Speaker 2: 

Keep calling them.

00:08:05    Speaker 1: 

and I'll like have a space to vent. Usually I'll get some like empathy from them first, but then by the time we talked, I'm in a calmer space. Yeah, but I needed to have a space to vent and express while waiting for you to be ready. 

00:08:22    Speaker 2: 

And I don't take it personally. I don't know what the, I don't remember the question, but I know how helpful is for me to have space. So when you need it, I'm like, yeah, I know I get that. 

00:08:34    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. Well, I also know like you needing space has nothing to do with me. It's not personal to me. But what I didn't like at the beginning of our relationship was that I then I felt like it always got to be your way and I needed a space to express and you always needed more time. And so you just got more time and I got more frustrated. 

00:08:58    Speaker 2: 

It's true. 

00:08:59    Speaker 1: 

And so figuring that out where I had a space to express is helpful, but I know it's not about me personally. It's not like you need space from me because of me you need space to process

00:09:10    Speaker 2: 

I need space for me. 

00:09:15    Speaker 1: 

How do you handle disagreements where it feels like one person has to win. Mmm that's me. How do you handle that? Where it feels like I have to win. 

00:09:29    Speaker 2: 

That is a good question. I don't feel like I have to win so much but I think it is frustrating when I get the sense that it feels like you have to win and then I don't feel like I was actually heard or that it was taken to heart. I, it has felt in the past with the win was more important than the resolution. 

00:10:00    Speaker 1: 

That has been true sometimes yeah. Yeah. Especially growing up just like as a competitive human in a very competitive family. The win is something that I've had, I've had to learn that like the win isn't the most important and be like reminded of that. 

00:10:20    Speaker 2: 

No, I think they're, I think that I had to learn how to not get into the battle trying to come away with the win but more just make sure that I Was Heard and even if you feel like you had to have the win in the moment, I think I now know and you've also, this is this also feels like it is not the norm anymore. Right? I think you do hear it more now and you'll often come back. Once you've had time to process. 

00:11:03    Speaker 1: 

Well to navigate that repair.

00:11:05    Speaker 2: 

Totally navigating repairs, is what I was thinking, and you'll often then initiate and give me more of what I was seeking in the moment. Yeah, and then we know that I actually won which is really nice

00:11:25    Speaker 1: 

Get out of here. What are you most excited about for becoming parents? 

00:11:32    Speaker 2: 

Aside from all the cool dad merch. 

00:11:35    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, you are a big fan of dad merch. Yeah. Well and as Maddie's other dad, you already have a bunch of dad stuff from her. 

00:11:46    Speaker 2: 

I'm excited for more dad merch. 

00:11:47    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. I am most excited to just get to know this human. I have at this point worked with thousands of children and families and what I've learned I think above all else is that they, I don't, I have no expectations or like just I guess like I don't look at like, oh, I'm so excited to teach them this content or to share this thing with them as much as I'm excited to like get to know this person and connect with them and build a relationship with them. Like that is what I'm most jazzed about. I know for some folks when they look at like parenting they're like, oh, I can't wait to share like my love of cars or football or,

00:12:43    Speaker 2: 

 Or the movie Cars.

00:12:45    Speaker 1: 

Or the the movie Cars. Or whatever something that they're jazzed about. I don't feel that way content-wise. I just am really jazzed to get to know this human and build a relationship. 

00:12:57    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, I think similarly for me it's like getting to walk behind somebody who's like experiencing the world for the first time and you know be a supporter. I think is exciting and to like yeah, I think to connect on whatever but I don't know what I have no idea what that would be yet. 

00:13:22    Speaker 1: 

Right. Well, I think that's something you're really good at, I was talking to Maddie about this this summer that like you are really good at noticing what somebody else is interested in and connecting with them through their interest like when she went through her musical theater phase and was really into like musicals and whatnot. You connected with her over that or like creating playlists together and like bonding over those things and for me, I'm like you can you can tell me about it, but like I, it doesn't jazz me or fire me up and it's harder for me, but I think that's something you're really good at. 

00:13:59    Speaker 2: 

Thanks. Yeah, although if they are really interested in cars that will be hard for me. I'm not a car guy. 

00:14:05    Speaker 1: 

That's true. But I bet you would figure out how to connect there because I think that's something you naturally do very well. 

00:14:12    Speaker 2: 

Thanks. 

00:14:13    Speaker 1: 

You're welcome. What is something you've learned about each other this last year? 

00:14:19    Speaker 2: 

I've learned how strong you are through hard times that I was not prepared for didn't know they could even be like that and your resilience and strength. 

00:14:37    Speaker 1: 

That's going to make me cry. 

00:14:37    Speaker 2: 

Oh okay, I'll change my answer. No, crying is okay, you're allowed to cry. It's a safe space. Yeah. Thanks. What a year. I mean outside of 2020 just being 2020, like the miscarriage and yeah, all of it was so hard. I, for me it was just so rad and I think I knew this about you but it just like came to the forefront over this past year with navigating the miscarriage for four months and then pretty immediately getting pregnant and having a really hard first trimester. Just your values like never wavered. It was always always always, family first and making sure that you and I had our needs met before we looked outside of that whether it was like work or extended family or whatever else had to happen, house stuff even, and we've done a lot of house stuff. But like it was always your values like coming to the surface and just you know, I say it all the time. Our values are only our values if we live them and I feel like this year that was like tested of like, yeah, what are your values? Are you going to live them when it's not easy to live them. 

00:16:08    Speaker 2: 

Yeah. Yeah, the chips were down a lot. 

00:16:10    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. Yeah, dude. What's your favorite thing about each other and one thing that drives you bonkers? 

00:16:24    Speaker 2: 

It's so hard to pick one favorite thing.

00:16:31    Speaker 1: 

I thought you were going to say just one thing that drives me bonkers. 

00:16:36    Speaker 2: 

Because there are so few of them. I think my favorite thing about you is your, well your values is kind of a broad thing. But I think your passion and your kind of always seeking new things. I love that about you. And yeah, I mean it always comes back to family for both of us. Yeah from a values perspective and yeah, I think that early on almost immediately I like I think I sensed that we were very aligned there. And there are all kinds of things within that but that's kind of the umbrella. But I think yeah, you're, you are not satisfied to just kind of move along some track in life that people tell you this is just what you do. You're always asking why and questioning and I think because of that, really awesome things have happened for you and for us, I love that I get to do life with somebody that has that approach because I think we do a good job for different reasons pushing each other outside of our comfort zones. 

00:18:09    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, I think so too and I'm glad you like that because it's a very present. I like have never sat still, I'm always like but why why do I have to do it like this? So thank goodness. You like that what drives me bonkers about me? 

00:18:26    Speaker 2: 

The just the different approaches to organization around the the home.

00:18:35    Speaker 1: 

I just did a post on this. 

00:18:36    Speaker 2: 

Yeah and the closet doors, like just shut it all the way. I've never, no matter if it's a sliding, a bifold, a knob door, a latch cabinet. It's always just almost closed, never all the way closed. 

00:18:56    Speaker 1: 

Remember the one time that I set garbage on top of the garbage can and

00:19:01    Speaker 2: 

I think I blocked that out, my brain did it as a self preservation thing. 

00:19:06    Speaker 1: 

Coping, thanks for loving me man. Yeah today we got back from our walk and Zach was like just so that you know, this closet door can close all the way.

00:19:19    Speaker 1: 

And I said it's really hard to close it and immediately closed it all the way and I was hoping for more resistance. 

00:19:28    Speaker 2: 

That was good. I did feel like I got the win in that moment. 

00:19:33    Speaker 1: 

My favorite thing about you is how patient you are. I am not a patient human. I'm really not a patient human. Zach's smiling because he knows that that's true. I love you and you're so patient. And I need that because I will just go a mile a minute sometimes and really can go zero to 60 whether it's like with a feeling or with a like, I mean even with Seed, I texted you on a Friday morning and said I want to start a business. I have an idea and then two weeks later, we had a website we had every, like email list like an Instagram all these things that like in a car ride, I was like can we chat about it on the car ride to my parents and like in a car ride, planned out things I wanted to do and created Seed. And there's, that's just like how I will go zero to a thousand and sometimes it's exciting and sometimes it's really not and I think I need somebody who balances that out, and I, you're so patient with me with kids with other humans. Mostly with me. 

00:20:57    Speaker 2: 

As you said the other ones I was like, I don't, 

00:20:59    Speaker 1: 

Well like Madison you're really patient. Yeah people, 

00:21:03    Speaker 1: 

People that I know. 

00:21:07    Speaker 1: 

Well love. But I really appreciate it and the thing that drives me the most bonkers.  

00:21:15    Speaker 2: 

Hard to think of something I know.

00:21:16    Speaker 1: 

It is so hard. No also a thing I love about you because this really is kind of patience. Your organizational skills is we just talked about like mine are very different you need organization to function but it really works well because I do not.

00:21:33    Speaker 2: 

 I'm glad that's working for you.  That's good.

00:21:40    Speaker 1: 

But you keep track of all the things that, every night we get into bed and I'm like oh, did you turn the heat down? Did you? You've always done all of those little things even us like getting out the door, whatever like you account for all the things and I'm so grateful for that. Things that drive me bonkers. 

00:21:56    Speaker 2: 

Hit me with it. 

00:21:57    Speaker 1: 

I think probably largely that you, also in that same vein because you are sensory processing time is longer. Sometimes I really want to have like a faster back and forth and that's not how your brain works and it can drive me nuts, especially if I'm like frustrated about something and I'm like no I want to like talk this out and I just want it to go faster than it's going and I have found ways to like cope and calm but that can drive me bonkers, that and the tapping, I mean, I know I married a drummer. 

00:22:33    Speaker 2: 

I know I know the tapping's annoying, when other people do it it bugs me. 

00:22:37    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, I will just put my hand right on you. Hmm. Yeah feels like a passive-aggressive sign but it is. 

00:22:46    Speaker 2: 

That tracks.  

00:22:50    Speaker 1: 

Madison would like to know which one of you likes me more? 

00:22:55    Speaker 2: 

Maddie, you know the answer to that. 

00:22:56    Speaker 1: 

Obviously dad. 

00:22:59    Speaker 1: 

Even though you were Alyssa's Maid of Honor. 

00:23:02    Speaker 1: 

Well, whatever ours. I love you, and I've always loved you and I will always love you, but Dad definitely likes you more. 

00:23:14    Speaker 1: 

That's true. For Zack. When did you know that you were in love with Alyssa? Yeah. you were into this before I was, as a thing. 

00:23:31    Speaker 2: 

I so I felt something different that I had not felt before immediately very quickly and I was still going on dates. Yeah, and you're still going on dates and I wouldn't say there was a moment where I was like I'm in love with her, but I think I think like by the time I said it I like already I already was. Like I think it might have happened so fast that I didn't, that I was like, oh like, 

00:24:07    Speaker 2: 

We really fast tracked the first year. 

00:24:09    Speaker 2: 

We did. Yeah, but it was it was chill. It just felt right? Yeah, never never had any doubts. That's sweet. Until the closet thing. Yeah, so just to like catch y'all up. So Zach asked me on a date in April we go out on a date in May we go out on another date the second date Zach says, oh by the way, I'm going home to Vermont for three months. We were living in New York City tomorrow, and you should just come visit me in Vermont at my mom's house. I was like, no,  thank you. And then you sent me that really cute Facebook message a week or two later or something like that and it was just sweet. It was just like I'm just here sitting on a deck drinking a beer thinking about you, but it was like really adorably written and I was like, okay and all right. And so I did go up to Vermont stay at your mom's house and I was so nervous and then I went to a family wedding of yours. At this time we're not officially dating. We're not officially dating. He takes me to a family wedding for somebody who now works for Seed, actually Erica and, Rachel's sister. If you follow our Seed Sleep Instagram, you know Rachel. And I thought Rachel was his ex-girlfriend. So I was confused why she was at Erica's wedding and then Zach told me that that was his cousin. It was very confusing but from that wedding we started dating, that was July 22nd, was her wedding because then everybody was like, why aren't you dating this girl? She's great. That's what I imagine they said to you and then, 

00:26:03    Speaker 2: 

Then I returned all of those texts a day later. 

00:26:09    Speaker 1: 

Then you said I don't need labels. Yeah, you were too cool for school and then we started dating but so that was July and we moved in together basically right after that. Yes. That is correct. You moved back to the The city in August and we moved in together right away. 

00:26:28    Speaker 2: 

Not officially but,

00:26:30    Speaker 1: 

I got rid of my apartment at the end of November. Yeah, but yeah, it was crazy.

00:26:36    Speaker 2: 

It was a soft move in for three months and then official. 

00:26:40    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, and then we moved to Boston the following, well June. We left New York City together, moved here for a bit. And then yeah, it was so crazy. So wild and actually like my I said to one of my best friends at the time if anybody else was doing what I'm doing now. I would be like you're crazy, you need to slow down. And I like recognized that but it just felt right.

00:27:01    Speaker 2: 

Yeah. 

00:27:02    Speaker 1: 

That was a long answer to that question. Yeah. Sorry. 

00:27:05    Speaker 2: 

Was that the one which one do we like, likes Maddie more?

00:27:08    Speaker 1: 

No. You're such a punk.  

00:27:16    Speaker 1: 

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00:28:14    Speaker 1: 

In what ways do you support your individual needs and needs as a couple? This is good. 

00:28:22    Speaker 2: 

I'm glad they're all you know quick answer questions. 

00:28:24    Speaker 1: 

Light and fluffy. I, my like greatest individual needs are touch. And like communication for connection, like whether that's talking to friends or talking to you or I like like to talk to people on the phone or in person and hang out and then touch. Which could be like snuggling or it could be like having a baby on my body. Like I have a, and since I left the classroom working with kids all day I was getting that touch need met a lot more and then at home had to like kind of figure out what did that look like as proprioceptive input for me, but I had to like figure out how to navigate that and get that but yeah, those are needs that I'm very focused on for myself. And I think we both just honor that we have individual needs and if I say like, hey, I need some time with friends or whatever. Yeah, you'll adjust,

00:29:30    Speaker 2: 

I'm like, oh, then I can go hit some drums. Which is one of my needs. 

00:29:35    Speaker 1: 

Right and you have more individual like space needs, like an astronaut. 

00:29:40    Speaker 2: 

Totally, that's what I was thinking too and ya know I think like I think having time to pursue those things but also to like have the field of freedom to explore your own interests and do, I guess follow where you want to go and have the support of that's kind of a both individual and as a couple. I think as a couple we've, we got really good at figuring out when things felt off, it was like an individual need or like we needed more of something. Grad school was really helpful for that. 

00:30:30    Speaker 1: 

Well we both were working full-time and in grad school full time.

00:30:31    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, and so things can get out of balance very quickly. 

00:30:38    Speaker 1: 

And we yeah, we had a lot of practice in noticing earlier because earlier in grad school times it 

00:30:44    Speaker 1: 

would get like really out of whack. We would end up fighting a lot and then we try to bring it back to center and I think we had a lot of practice. I mean it was five total years of practicing but we had a lot of practice of like what does it look like when it starts to get out of whack versus waiting till it's really off center and then pulling it back in and now and that's come up too with like renovation and stuff. I mean we just had eight weeks for every single night after work. You would come renovate and every single weekend day and there were times where we would just like be able to check in with each other and say like I need to have a conversation with you or touch base with you and and both of us would be like, yeah, totally. I need that too. Like let's adjust the schedule and figure out how to make this work. That's what I mean with your values to like. 

00:31:38    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, it's not a question of like fighting through, you don't fight through certain things. I mean unless it was an absolute necessity but it's not, to take a day off that I wasn't planning to take off. 

00:31:52    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, and just restructure things. I mean same with like miscarriage stuff like no matter what work took a backseat for both of us and it was just not a question. Yeah. 

00:32:07    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, I think before when we first started out there was so much going on so much to do that just getting through that took up pretty much all the time. Yeah, and there were times where like it's it is more important to focus on these things and not get everything done. Yeah, like on the timeline like with it, you know, totally no that's not as important. 

00:32:34    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, and I think for us finding how we both feel connected was huge that like, I don't feel super connected if we are like just sitting on the couch watching a show and phones are in our hands or whatever. Like I feel most connected when we are sitting there screen free and can talk to each other and I think in the early days like we would do things, even like will carve out a date night or whatever but like could leave it feeling like we didn't even connect. 

00:33:07    Speaker 2: 

I think we were like coming into it burnt out so much of the time. 

00:33:10    Speaker 1: 

Totally totally Yeah, but I think we've gotten better at like connecting. 

00:33:15    Speaker 2: 

Yeah. Go us. 

00:33:21    Speaker 1: 

Go us. It's not great. But it's we're moving in a good direction. How are you preparing to foster your relationship after the babe arrives? One thing that I have really acknowledged about myself is that I, it will be hard for me to place my needs, as important needs above or in line with the tiny human. And with tiny humans in general my inclination is to sacrifice to like martyr and then I end up burnt out and I'm not nice to be around and I'm snippy and I don't walk away as like the adult that I wanted to be in the situation or the partner or whatever and I feel burnt out and in one of the CEP method components is self-care. And that's the one that's the hardest for me that I have to like really be intentional about and knowing that we have a village to lean on and it doesn't mean I'm failing if I ask for help. Like that for me is at the forefront as we enter this but like asking for help isn't a failure in actuality can help set me up for success in who I want to be. Yeah, that's just like personally, so I guess that wasn't about a relationship from well it also definitely plays into our relationship. 

00:34:55    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, I think for me I haven't thought, I haven't thought too much about like specific things because I think, I've never done this before and like I think you can go in with intentions, which is what I'm trying to do, but I think to have like specific things in mind. I know how easy it can be for those two just not aligned with reality. So I intend to make that a priority and know that we have the tools in our toolbox to do any kind of tweaks or adjustments that we need to do as we kind of move through things to get to a better place. So I kind of feel like I feel very confident in that so I haven't necessarily created a specific list, but I know that it is important and yeah, it's my intention. 

00:35:46    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, and I think like one of the things we've talked about in the past is the reality that the life that I mean we've been together now eight and a half years and it's been the two of us for eight and a half years and that this life will be different. There is no this life anymore and welcoming that and I think it can be easy to compare and like want it to be the same plus a kid and just acknowledging that there are things that we do and have now that are specific to this season of our life that won't exist in the next season. And allowing that to be okay and to be true and not to try to bring them in 

00:36:37    Speaker 2: 

Or try to force it. Yeah. Yeah, I think we'll miss certain things. 

00:36:41    Speaker 1: 

Totally and also be gained. 

00:36:44    Speaker 2: 

Yeah for sure. 

00:36:46    Speaker 1: 

How are you both coping with all the big changes you're going through with renovations and baby. Communication. Yeah, we don't let it get, if there's anything that's off, we talk about it right away or we'll at least acknowledge like something's off. This isn't working. I need to have a conversation. Even if we're not ready to talk about it right away or don't know what it is yet, but we are at this point like that part is pretty well-oiled. Mmm of we don't let things sit and like fester and build up. Yeah, we did, that sucked. 

00:37:28    Speaker 2: 

We don't let it go into survival mode. 

00:37:30    Speaker 1: 

No no. Well, we also like and we've said this a million times, but I know that you love me and that you want to have a strong relationship and when I know that we're both going in with that intention, then it's easier for me to be like, okay, he's not trying to drive me crazy. It's a by product of whatever's happening.

00:37:54    Speaker 2: 

The tapping?

00:37:55    Speaker 1: 

Well with whatever and so if I'm starting to feel dysregulated around this or I'm feeling like we're not connecting. I know that he wants too. And when I know, like for me that's helpful to know like we both have the same goal here and intentions and they, if it's not being met or it feels like things are off. That we can have a conversation. Like I know that we both want that. 

00:38:22    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, I think when that does happen, I think we are good about not just going into defensive mode. 

00:38:33    Speaker 1: 

Totally.

00:38:35    Speaker 2: 

I think because we're often both feeling it. That's not about,

00:38:40    Speaker 1: 

I do go into defensive mode first and sometimes I can regulate it before I talk but almost always when anything comes up for me. My immediate reaction is like, well it's not my fault. Like that's what happens for me first. And now I've learned to like acknowledge that usually but yeah, that's not, 

00:39:03    Speaker 2: 

It doesn't stay there. No doesn't become about that. No long term. 

00:39:07    Speaker 1: 

Lori said will you guys adopt me? Yes, we will adopt you if you bring your girls and if you move to us because I don't want to live in Montana because every time you share anything in your stories, there's snow. So what do you say to them when one of you is trying to argue while upset? So what do you say to me? Because I'm the one who's always in this scenario would be the one who's trying to argue while I'm upset. 

00:39:41    Speaker 2: 

I don't even know. Do you remember anything? I've said to you. 

00:39:48    Speaker 1: 

You can help me like bring awareness to like, or you'll say like I'm not ready to talk about this and you'll just take it on it. 

00:39:55    Speaker 2: 

I'd just be like this doesn't feel like a productive conversation right now. 

00:39:59    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. Yeah, that's a that's a Zach line. Yeah, because I can get in that trap of like no, but I want to keep going but it isn't productive. Any surprises on names that you do or don't like for baby? You have a shorter list of I think names you like than I do. 

00:40:26    Speaker 1: 

Yes. 

00:40:31    Speaker 1: 

I throw out a lot of names. 

00:40:32    Speaker 2: 

I threw out a lot way back. We've been throwing out names for years though. 

00:40:36    Speaker 2: 

That's true. Yeah. Yeah but yours were often sarcastic. 

00:40:41    Speaker 2: 

But if you'd bitten, I would have been like oh yeah? 

00:40:46    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. I have like we have a list in my phone. And Zach will every once and a while look at it and be like oh some of these are new. 

00:40:55    Speaker 2: 

Yeah like that's a new number three. I don't remember talking about that one. 

00:41:01    Speaker 1: 

Yeah, I don't know it's hard for me with names because I have taught so many kids that like a name will come up and I'm like, oh no. 

00:41:11    Speaker 2: 

I've met so many people I don't like so, 

00:41:15    Speaker 1: 

Zachary James. It's not true. Would you ever consider moving back to New York? I live from a place of like if nothing is ever off the table. Nothing.

00:41:28    Speaker 2: 

Nothing within reason. 

00:41:29    Speaker 1: 

We throw out things all the time like crazy wild dreams. I mean, I think you can only be an entrepreneur if nothing is off the table because it's scary and risky and constant. There are so many times I've gone to bed as an entrepreneur and I'm like Zach I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can run Seed. And you'll talk me off the ledge and I'll wake up in the morning and be like this is the best job ever. But yeah, so in terms of moving back to New York. Yeah. Nothing is off the table. I mean my whole family is there so that's a pull. But yeah, we'll see. We'll see how it feels with this babe. Did y'all write your own wedding vows? If so, what was that process like. We did, I'm going to guess you wrote yours over the course of like long time. 

00:42:22    Speaker 2: 

I think I, I may have started early drafts in the notes app. But I do remember just sitting down with some note cards and like banging it out over the course of an hour and a half or so. 

00:42:43    Speaker 1: 

Wow, that's faster than you write texts.

00:42:47    Speaker 2: 

It took about as long as writing two birthday cards, back-to-back. 

00:42:54    Speaker 1: 

It takes Zach a long time to write things, he's very intentional. 

00:42:59    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, not because I'm bad at spelling. 

00:43:01    Speaker 1: 

No great speller. Actually, I wrote mine in like, I just sat down and banged out in one round, for sure. 

00:43:13    Speaker 2: 

That surprises me none. 

00:43:14    Speaker 1: 

It's also how I write things. Again, I think you can only have my job, I get a billion emails a day and we write so much content and whatever I have to be able to do that fast. 

00:43:27    Speaker 2: 

Yeah, you really get it. You know, it doesn't read like you wrote it fast. 

00:43:32    Speaker 1: 

Well that's nice. It's just like literally my stream of consciousness. But what's funny is I feel like for cards like anniversaries or holidays or our vows, we don't see what the other person has written ahead of time but we almost always have the same like themes and threads.

00:43:54    Speaker 2: 

True, for cards I will always do a draft in my notes. 

00:43:58    Speaker 1: 

You do? 

00:43:59    Speaker 2: 

Yeah. Because I can do it faster. Yeah then I'll just copy it. 

00:44:05    Speaker 1: 

So yeah, we did. Yeah, but they were very similar. I blacked out a chunk of like our wedding day, not from like alcohol, but from like I was nervous about like saying intimate things, which is funny cause now I'm saying it to thousands of people around the world, but I was nervous about saying intimate things in front of a hundred and fifty of our closest friends and family, and I knew that your words would be so perfect. 

00:44:36    Speaker 2: 

Oh, thanks for the confidence. 

00:44:38    Speaker 1: 

Oh a thousand percent you're such a good writer and you're so intentional and I was nervous that I would, people would hear mine and be like "wow, that's nice of him to marry her" like I was nervous about that. 

00:44:55    Speaker 2: 

I thought yours were fantastic. 

00:45:01    Speaker 1: 

Thanks. All right last one, what's your absolute favorite thing to do together? 

00:45:10    Speaker 2: 

I think we had kind of already talked about it, I love just like when we get into, a like good flow of like just hanging and talking and laughing and like whatever but when they just like when it just flows like that and we're just like present together. Yeah, it's usually just sitting around talking. 

00:45:32    Speaker 1: 

That is the same with me. Just when were sitting and talking, what I find sets us up for success for that is when phones are away, screens are off, and for us that's most often on like a morning. We love slow mornings. 

00:45:47    Speaker 2: 

And sometimes the morning can can go into like a yeah all day hang. 

00:45:53    Speaker 1: 

Yeah for sure. Yeah, but I agree just like hanging out and chatting is when I feel the most connected. 

00:46:02    Speaker 2: 

Dreaming about stuff. Talking about crazy ideas. 

00:46:05    Speaker 1: 

Yeah. Well, and there's never been like a single Seed thing that I've done that I haven't like dreamt about over coffee with you first. 

00:46:13    Speaker 2: 

That's true, or on a road trip. After we played that game, a question game

00:46:19    Speaker 1: 

Just like this now! See it's so fun. You're having so much fun. Awesome. Thanks for marrying me. 

00:46:28    Speaker 2: 

Thanks for marrying me too.

00:46:30    Speaker 1: 

I'm excited to see you as a dad.

00:46:32    Speaker 2: 

Thanks. I'm excited to be a dad, and you be a mom. 

00:46:37    Speaker 1: 

Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village! Check out the show notes for this episode and all past episodes at voicesofyourvillage.com. Did you know that we have a special community for all of you to be a part of so that we can all gather together to raise emotionally intelligent humans? Head on over to Facebook, search Seed and Sew: Voices of Your Village and dive into that Facebook group. We cannot wait to hang out with you and collaborate on raising these tiny humans. If you're digging this podcast, head on over to Apple podcasts scroll down, click those stars and leave a review. It really fills my heart to hear from all of you.