Holiday Meltdowns, Gift Disasters & When ‘Thank You’ Doesn’t Happen with Rachel and Alyssa

Disclaimer: This transcript was generated with the help of AI and may contain minor errors or inconsistencies. Please refer to the audio for the most accurate representation of the conversation.

Alyssa: [00:00:00] You're listening to Voices Of Your Village, and today we're getting into something that hits deep for so many of us, especially around the holidays. You know, when you plan something special like a magical outing, a thoughtful gift, and you're met with, is that it? Or what are we doing next? It can feel like a gut punch. In this episode, we're unpacking what's really going on when kids seem to crave more more stuff, more stimulation, more everything, and why it can be so triggering for us as adults. We'll explore the post-gift letdown The impact of dopamine on kids brains, and the tension between gratitude and instant gratification in a world that moves so fast. We're also diving into the real life challenges, navigating over gifting from family, helping siblings through comparison, and what to say when a well-meaning grandparent crosses a boundary. This episode is full of practical strategies and gentle reminders that parenting during the holidays doesn't have to feel like a performance. We talk about how to make space for both joy and disappointment, and why letting kids fully experience the moment, even if it's messy, is actually the magic. All right, folks, let's dive in.

Alyssa: [00:01:21] Hey there. I'm Alyssa Blask Campbell. I'm a mom with a master's degree in early childhood education and co-creator of the collaborative emotion processing method. I'm here to walk alongside you through the messy, vulnerable parts of being humans, raising other humans with deep thoughts and actionable tips. Let's dive in together.

Alyssa: [00:01:43] What a treat we get to hang out in person. Bad boy, I love it, I love it. We only have to figure out one microphone and audio setup, although.

Alyssa: [00:01:52] Maybe that's worse. Ooh, I don't know. Yeah. Oh. The tech. Check. Well, I'm stoked to get to hang with you for this episode and chat about these holiday meltdowns and the gift disasters and the you know, when. Thank you doesn't happen. Yeah. All that jazz. We reached out to the village for some questions, so we get to kind of go right through these bad boys today. The first one that came up was the like, is this it?

Rachel: [00:02:23] Yeah. It's real. In toddlers, I feel like I see that and I'm like, okay, this is developmentally normal. I'm gonna walk them through it in the moment, help them navigate it like, yep, this is it for now. We're all done with presents for my children now who are elementary age. This is something that I'm talking about before we're even in a gift giving situation, just a little like, hey, Grammy's going to be having some gifts for you. I don't know what they are. I don't know how big they are. I don't know anything about them. I do know that she took time to find them and pick them out for you. And that's meaningful.

Alyssa: [00:03:03] You better frigging love em and say thank you, damn it.

Rachel: [00:03:05] Yes, that's exactly what I say. But I think when I think about different ages for those tots, I'm. I'm really expecting it. It feels very developmentally normal for them to even say it in front of the other person. They're still learning those social norms and things. And for that older crew, my expectations starts to shift where like, nobody's in trouble. If they say, is this it in front of the adult?

Alyssa: [00:03:31] But but I would like I'm throwing up inside if that happens.

Rachel: [00:03:34] Totally. And I really want to front load that and try to get ahead of it by chatting through different scenarios before we're in the situation and always reminding them, like, you're allowed to be disappointed and it might not be something that you want, and you and I can connect on that after and in the moment. I want the focus to be that somebody was thinking about you and they tried to do something kind for you.

Alyssa: [00:03:55] Yeah, 100%. And that it's also okay. I mean, I've gone through birthdays and holidays as an adult where things come in and I'm like, okay. Turns out Zac didn't listen to a thing I said in the last three months because none of the, like, hints I thought I was dropping, showed up on my birthday or for Christmas or whatever. And I know that feeling of like I was looking forward to something, or I was hopeful that I would get this thing and it's not there. I didn't get it. And it's a skill set to hone, to teach kids. What do you do in those moments? And if we aren't gonna prep them and we're just gonna. Fingers crossed. Like, we're gonna be real disappointed and probably frustrated. And then if you're me embarrassed and then reactive to the embarrassment of it, or I'm like excuse me. Should we take all those gifts back? You would like to get rid of those?

Rachel: [00:04:51] Totally. I'm not my best parent. If I feel embarrassed by behavior and I can get into that triggered space where I'm like, cool. Well, since you're not grateful, you can have zero. Yep. And I do think that it's helpful. What you mentioned is like, we still experience this as adults. We still receive gifts that aren't our favorite. And so articulating that to kids like, hey, yeah, sometimes I get gifts that I'm not really jazzed about. It's not what I wanted, or I already have it, or I don't have a use for it. And just letting them know, like you're not alone in that experience. And it is something that you will likely continue to experience throughout your life. And like, here's how you can navigate it in a way that also takes into account the other person's intention.

Alyssa: [00:05:32] 100%. Well, it kind of leads into another village question that came up about that, like post gift letdown, where kids like fly through the gifts and then they're like, all right, what else? Or if they are like, I'm bored. And like, you just opened 7 million gifts from your entire family. You're. Excuse me? You're bored. And then I feel like murders on the horizon and want to look at what's happening for them inside their body when they just received all this stuff and they just got all these gifts, and then they are saying like, well, what else? What else is there? Or they're like, I'm bored. And that kind of let down after you have opened all these gifts. So I'm going to break into the science for a minute here. Like as they're opening these gifts, they are getting a bunch of dopamine, which activates that reward center of our brain. It's the same thing that keeps us going back to slot machines. If you've ever played that game 1010 or Candy crush on your phone, that's all dopamine that's keeping you going. They're scrolling on your phone. Chocolate alcohol. My favorite dopaminergic activity is Facebook Marketplace. I'm just.

Rachel: [00:06:43] Gonna say filling a shopping cart online.

Alyssa: [00:06:45] 100%. I'm just like, even with Facebook Marketplace, I'm like, is it still available? And that's it. I don't even need to know if it is.

Rachel: [00:06:52] You don't even have to follow up.

Alyssa: [00:06:53] If you go into my. It's embarrassing.

Rachel: [00:06:55] I'm not going.

Alyssa: [00:06:56] To if you go into my messages, it's a lot of people being like, yep, still available. I never even respond. I just do this.

Rachel: [00:07:03] You are Cody's pet peeve, embodied because he, when he's selling on marketplace, is like, why do all these people ask me if it's available? And then ghost.

Alyssa: [00:07:11] Me because they need dopamine?

Rachel: [00:07:12] Okay, that's what I'll tell him.

Alyssa: [00:07:14] And the same thing happens when they're opening the gifts. They get the dopamine rush. Like, what is it? They're so excited about it. And then that dopamine wears off and there's a crash that happens afterward.

Rachel: [00:07:26] Yeah, I so this is a different manifestation. Each of my kids, one of my kids is very dopamine seeking Nora. And one of my children is not very dopamine seeking. So when it comes to gifts like Abel can have one gift and play with it for literally hours and even like, say, how thankful he is and how much he loves it. And then Nora will, like, absolutely fly through those gifts. Like just opening and chucking it to the side and opening and chucking it and then be like, I don't know what to do. And I'm like, you're joking. It's actually part of Christmas Day that I find incredibly draining because she needs like coaching and support to get through that, like dopamine cutoff. Sure. And I don't want to give it because I feel overstimulated by what just happened, the gifts and the sweating. And like, I'm trying to get Nora to slow down and Abel's only into one, and I know that then the end is going to come where she's like, I'm out of gifts. And he still has to open, like, however many.

Alyssa: [00:08:24] Yeah, well, you opened 17,000,000 in 4 seconds.

Rachel: [00:08:27] Literally. You didn't even look at what you got. Meanwhile, he's, like engaging with this toy and whatever. So this is a hard this is a tough one for me personally with a child who is a dopamine seeker. And it's almost.

Alyssa: [00:08:39] Which real quick, we tend to see in neurodivergent humans.

Rachel: [00:08:42] More ADHD for Nora.

Alyssa: [00:08:44] Yeah.

Rachel: [00:08:45] And also and I think like other parents with children like this, it's almost become like a trigger for me because her dopamine seeking is a large part of like that's driving behaviors that I have to manage a lot in our lives. So I already go into Christmas with this, like bitter, shitty attitude about it. And because I'm just like, I know what's coming and I can like, coach her through it and she needs like scaffolding to then engage with her gifts. High connection needs. And she's overwhelmed too, by the number of them even though she wants more. Executive functioning like.

Alyssa: [00:09:21] There's.

Rachel: [00:09:22] So many things. So I have to give her that scaffolding and like help her choose something to engage with and get her started on it or be doing it beside her so she feels connected and then she can. It's like it's so effortless for Abel because his brain works so differently. That I and I hate to even say this but it's true. I resent that part of her brain sometimes because I'm like, I don't want to you.

Alyssa: [00:09:49] Yeah, it feels like extra work.

Rachel: [00:09:50] Like, I don't want to just pick up the thing that you got and engage with it and be grateful while you're at it. Okay.

Alyssa: [00:09:55] Well, and it's also fair to say that because there are times where the way that his brain works is harder than hers, and that feels overwhelming and hard to navigate. I don't think there's an ideal like when your brain and body work this way. There are no challenges.

Rachel: [00:10:11] No, I mean, Abel is like a nightmare out in public or like in a.

Alyssa: [00:10:15] Or like at the family gathering. Oh, probably. That's so whelming for him that you're gonna end up navigating some behavior challenges there because he'll get overstimulated, whereas she's never met overstimulation.

Rachel: [00:10:26] She's thriving, and she's making eye contact with people and thanking them and smiling at them and.

Alyssa: [00:10:30] Helping the other kids open the things and whatever.

Rachel: [00:10:33] And Abel's crying somewhere.

Alyssa: [00:10:35] Correct. Yeah. And so it's just different hards and different eases and but when we're looking at that like dopamine crash. I think one thing that's helpful for me is being able to go into it, knowing this is how their brain works. This is what I can expect. I'm going to prep them and they're gonna fly through these things. She isn't asking what else or what's next because she's ungrateful and I'm raising like an entitled, spoiled human, which is what comes up for me in the moment if I know prep. Same. And so when I can go into it knowing like, okay, this is what she's going to ask, this is what's going to come up. Then when it does, in the moment, it's easier for me to handle. It doesn't feel like I'm just being caught off guard by it. I'm like, yeah, saw this coming. This is the dopamine network.

Rachel: [00:11:26] Absolutely. And I think, like she, she and I are so different. I actually Cody and I were talking about Abel and and it was a separate incident, but to me it was like a no brainer. Abel and I are so similar in so many ways that I was like, why? And I said this to Cody. I'm like, you know how his brain and body work? Why are you fighting against it? That's not going to change who he is. And I could say that to myself when I'm dealing with Nora and her sensory seeking and dopamine seeking behaviors like that is how she's wired. And I can either fight against it and make us both dysregulated and take the fun out of whatever we're doing. Or I can try to do what you just mentioned, which is like not just prepping her, but prepping myself, which is easier said than done. Totally. But prepping myself for what my experience of parenting her is going to look like when we're navigating situations like that.

Alyssa: [00:12:12] Exactly. And being able to recognize, I think for me, the kind of pros and cons of it, of like the con is in that moment, it feels really hard to tap into compassion and see it for what it is and see beyond the behavior and the pro of the way that her brain and body works is that outside of that gifting, for the most part, the rest of that hang with the family. You don't have to do a ton of work around her.

Rachel: [00:12:39] I don't.

Alyssa: [00:12:39] You'll do some emotion processing when she comes home, and she's going to share all about everything that happened. She wants to have a full conversation to process the experience. But then the rest of the hang, the way that her brain and body works, makes actually parenting easier.

Rachel: [00:12:53] She's thriving.

Alyssa: [00:12:54] She's thriving. And when I can see that for both of my kids that like, okay, this part is really challenging and that same part of you is what makes this other part of this hang easier or not as challenging. It just helps me see it's same with like, Zach and the things that drive me nuts about Zach. It's like the things that drive me nuts are also things that I like sometimes in other ways.

Rachel: [00:13:24] Absolutely.

Alyssa: [00:13:25] Like, he is such a details human. So he will come through and like clean up spaces or notice things, or you're just in my kitchen and your mom's like, wow, this wall of frames in the kitchen is so perfectly done. I was like, have you met my husband? Like, yes. And it is. Everything is to a T and it looks phenomenal. And I would have just slapped those bad boys up there and they would have been a little off all of them.

Rachel: [00:13:50] But it'd be fine.

Alyssa: [00:13:51] And it would be fine for me, but it would drive him nuts. And it does look better the way that he did it. Absolutely right. Like that is so helpful. And also, his attention to detail sometimes is remarkably annoying for me. And so when I can for myself see, yeah, with everything that's hard, I wouldn't get rid of that part of them because there are things I also love about that part of them. It just gives me a different perspective and is helpful. The other thing that came up so much in this topic was gratitude versus instant gratification.

Rachel: [00:14:24] Yeah, I struggle with the idea that my kids are entitled. If I feel like they want instant gratification or they're not Expressing gratitude over something in the way that I want them to. Then I'm just like, oh, you just want to get everything you need on your timeline. Okay, well, you're entitled, so have a great life. You know, like, oh.

Alyssa: [00:14:45] And you need that. You needed that one in purple, actually.

Rachel: [00:14:48] Yeah, I this is a definitely something that can get me same irritated. But what's helpful for me is to pull back. And I remind myself of this just in everything with my kids, they do often want like an instant response or an instant this or an instant that. And pulling back. Culturally, we are living in a space where a lot of us are wanting instant gratification, and we're modeling that for our kids. Like, if I can't get my computer to do what I want it to on the timeline that I want it to, I'm like, oh, what is wrong with this? This is so annoying. What a waste of time.

Alyssa: [00:15:22] The other day, I abandoned a car online because it was gonna be 6 to 8 days of shipping and I was like, I don't have time for six days, I do, I don't need those things faster.

Rachel: [00:15:31] No, I.

Alyssa: [00:15:31] Know, but I'm so used to be here in two days.

Rachel: [00:15:34] That's what I mean.

Alyssa: [00:15:35] So I was like 6 to 8 days. This is almost 20, 26. I know who's weighing eight days for that thing to arrive. Where's it coming from?

Rachel: [00:15:41] Two day shipping is what we're used to 100%.

Alyssa: [00:15:44] It's ridiculous.

Rachel: [00:15:44] And so when I came.

Alyssa: [00:15:45] The problem it's me is what I'm saying.

Rachel: [00:15:47] Well, same because I get irritated just by like the most minor timeline inconvenience. And so that's what I'm modeling for my kids. And then I'm like, oh, you should have more patience than this. This world isn't about instant gratification. And they're like, well, actually, most of the world that I'm consuming seems like it's about instant gratification.

Alyssa: [00:16:03] We had to wait behind three cars in the Starbucks line the other day, and you were losing your shit, ma'am. Right? It seems like maybe. Right.

Rachel: [00:16:09] So as triggering as it is for me, I know that I'm modeling it and they're getting it culturally so much, and that helps me have a little bit more compassion and patience with it.

Alyssa: [00:16:22] Well, and I think when I think about gratitude, it is not a feeling you're going to feel all the time. And I'm thinking back to my. We had Christmas at my parents a few years ago, and my nephew really wanted this one thing, and he was pretty sure by the size of the box that the thing he was going to open was that thing, and it was actually coming later. We did like a group of gifts in the morning, and then we were doing more gifts later.

Rachel: [00:16:53] But this was the morning.

Alyssa: [00:16:55] This was the morning session, and he was maybe ten, 11 years old. And he opened it up, and you could tell by his face that he was not stoked. He'd like, turned to my parents and was like, thanks grandma, and I love it. This is great. And like said, the things in like this tone, like that face and anyone who has ever heard a person talk or seen a face would have been like, those words don't match how you feel. But we had conditioned him in that up until that point to say thank you, to be grateful. And he was just quiet. And then right after we ended, he went up to his bedroom and I was chatting with my sister in law, and she was like, oh my gosh, I cannot believe. And she was like embarrassed. I could tell she's like, he should be grateful somebody got him a gift. I was like, totally. Both of these can be true, where he can be grateful that somebody thought about him and disappointed that the entire time were opening presents. He thought that went from the minute he walked into my parents and spied that under the tree. He thought he was getting the thing he's been waiting for, and then he opens it up and that's not it.

Rachel: [00:18:10] And honestly, like, even if his face was telling a different story, like.

Alyssa: [00:18:14] So Sweet.

Rachel: [00:18:15] He did his best.

Alyssa: [00:18:16] He literally he was like, I'm feeling disappointed and I'm trying to express gratitude. And she was like, no, you're right. Yes. Thank you. You're right. Like he gets to also feel disappointed. And none of the other my parents, nobody else was like, what a little punk. Yeah, no, not at all. Then later when he did, like, open the thing, he like, his face lit up. He was so jazzed. It was so cute. But just reminding myself that you do get to feel both, that you can feel disappointed that that wasn't the thing you wanted, or maybe you didn't get the thing you wanted or were hoping for, or even that it's over. Like I think about that when I'm like, leaving vacation and I'm feeling bummed that vacation is done, I'm not immediately like in gratitude that I had.

Rachel: [00:19:02] Vacation, we went on vacation.

Alyssa: [00:19:03] Yes. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I can't believe it's over. I hate that it's over. And just allowing two things to be true. Thanks Brene Brown for that. Two things can be true at the same time. You can feel disappointed and you can feel gratitude. And maybe what feels most present in that moment is disappointment. Maybe what shows on their face or in their voice is disappointment. And they might also feel grateful that somebody was thinking about them and got them anything at all?

Rachel: [00:19:31] Absolutely.

Alyssa: [00:19:32] But it is really the US part of it where we want. It's like, I'm sorry, where we want kids to verbally express something, typically so that the other people around us are like, you're raising a good kid. You're killing it in parenthood.

Rachel: [00:19:46] That's what it is for me. It's the other adults like I. In my mind, I'm like, yeah, of course my kid can be disappointed. Yeah. Of course. Feel whatever you need to feel. But then I'm like, but wait, only show certain things in front of certain people. Like, if you could not show disappointment on your face in front of Grammy, that would be so great.

Alyssa: [00:20:06] A hundred.

Rachel: [00:20:06] So that is like, that's another thing where I need to like, pre-teach with myself and remind myself it's okay if my kids show their humanity in front of our extended family.

Alyssa: [00:20:19] It's also okay if you walk away and grant me just shit talks you. And it's like Rachel's raising some entitled assholes, right? Like it doesn't matter.

Rachel: [00:20:29] I and I know that, but there's part of me that's like.

Alyssa: [00:20:31] Oh, I understand the part of you that's like, no, it matters.

Rachel: [00:20:34] Yeah.

Alyssa: [00:20:35] But also.

Rachel: [00:20:35] I'm a good parent.

Alyssa: [00:20:36] When we pull back.

Rachel: [00:20:37] Please think I'm a good parent because I'm really trying here.

Alyssa: [00:20:40] And I'm a good parent.

Rachel: [00:20:42] I believe that I am doing a good job with my kids, but there's a part of me from childhood that wants the adults that love me to also think that about me 100%.

Alyssa: [00:20:53] Yeah. That makes.

Rachel: [00:20:54] It's such a part of my identity in this season of life that I'm like, If I'm not doing good at this, just throw me in the trash.

Alyssa: [00:21:00] 100. Well, you are trashing them. So I agree, and I think I have to come back to like, it doesn't actually matter. Even if they do walk away thinking I'm a terrible parent or I didn't do that well or handled that the wrong way. They're allowed to think that it doesn't matter. I have to remind myself of that.

Rachel: [00:21:19] That's so hard for me. And it is so true, especially when I think about what matters most to me in that moment is relational safety between me and my child.

Alyssa: [00:21:30] Totally.

Rachel: [00:21:32] But that does get lost sometimes for me when I'm like, shit, I really want to be perceived as like a good mom.

Alyssa: [00:21:38] Yes. Yeah.

Rachel: [00:21:40] You know.

Alyssa: [00:21:40] Totally. Okay, now I want to move into wish list reality checks. This just came up where we were at target, and he likes to play in the toy aisle before we leave. And he knows that we don't get something from the toy aisle. Almost ever. But he can always take a picture and add it to his birthday or Christmas list. And he was like, hey, mom, will you take a picture of this for my Christmas list? And I was like, yeah, totally. And he goes, wow, I'm gonna get so many things at Christmas. And I was like, oh, okay. Gotta clarify. Just because you take a picture doesn't mean you're getting it. And so we were chatting about that of like taking a picture and making a list is like, here are all things that I'm interested in. We also have a local like toy store sent the catalog of the toys and such a fun activity. And then he circled every zillion things literally on one page. He just circled all of them individually and then did one big circle.

Rachel: [00:22:39] Like, just in case you didn't see the small circles, here's a big comprehensive.

Alyssa: [00:22:43] For the record, some of them he already has magna-tiles whatever on that page. Some of them are like full on baby toys that he doesn't actually want. But it's fun to circle the things.

Rachel: [00:22:53] And just letting you know what he wants.

Alyssa: [00:22:55] And so I said to him, I was like, oh, you circled a lot in this catalog. You can add them all to your list. Sometimes it's helpful for people who might be shopping for you, like Grammy and PA or Santa or whatever, like to know if you could only have 1 or 2 things, what would you choose? And he was like, well, I'm putting them all on my list. And I was like, correct. It's not a clear the list situation. You're not going to get everything that's on your list if you have a lot of things on your list. Typically if you have like a few things on there, you probably will get most of them because your dad's an only child and we've got a lot of grandparents in this mix. But I think.

Rachel: [00:23:41] For black and white thinkers like sage, yes, who are thinking like, okay, mom said, we're not buying anything today, but we're taking pictures. So mom's keeping a list. Yep. Or dad's keeping a list or whoever. Okay.

Alyssa: [00:23:52] It's like done. I know what I'm getting at.

Rachel: [00:23:53] He's like, all right, I'm connecting A to B and there's no gray area. So you better perform on Christmas. And so for these kids who are very black and white concrete list making rule logic, following children, clearly communicating.

Alyssa: [00:24:08] Yes.

Rachel: [00:24:09] This expectation of like, yep, we are taking pictures and there is a list and not everything on the list is going to show up at Christmas.

Alyssa: [00:24:16] And so it's really helpful if you put a star.

Rachel: [00:24:18] Prioritize.

Alyssa: [00:24:18] Or you let us know of this list. What are your favorites? And it doesn't mean you'll get all those, but it does help. If Grammy and pass, we can get him one thing. What are his favorites on his list? We had to be very clear about that. Another thing that we have been doing specifically actually at birthdays, but we did it at my parents house for Christmas and actually at Franny's house, my mother in law's house for Christmas last year, where they would open a gift and we would let them play with it if they wanted to before, just like, okay, on to the next. And this is hard for the adults.

Rachel: [00:24:53] It's so hard. And I can think of one specific adult in my extended family that this is very hard for. And it is hard for me because I, I mean, with Nora, I can be like, hey, open this present because so-and-so wants to watch you open it. And she's like, okay, cool with Abel. If he's engaged in something else, if he feels any amount of pressure, like if my tone is like communicating any stress he doesn't like to perform. That's gonna be so hard for him. And now at six, I can stretch him sometimes and he'll be able to do it. But when he was, say, like three, I would literally have to be like, if I try to force him to open this right now, he is going to melt down for a really long time. So the options are I can hold on to it and keep it wrapped in another day. When it's not so hectic, we can open it together and you can watch him, or I can take a video of him opening it and his reaction, and I can send it to you. But right now, if I try to do it, it's going to backfire and nobody's going to have fun.

Alyssa: [00:25:52] Correct. Yeah. It's the prepping for the other adults we actually had divided up. We did gifts with my when I saw the number of gifts last year on Christmas, and we were going to be doing Christmas morning at our house, and my father in law was in town with his family and my mother in law lives.

Rachel: [00:26:13] Collective gifts are under the tree.

Alyssa: [00:26:14] Yeah. So it is our gifts. And then we saw I saw he had gotten the number of my father in law had. And then the number my mother in law had. Yes. And I was like so we spread it out where I said to them, it was like two days before Christmas. I was like, we're all here together for a few days. Do we want to start? And we can do some gifts today and some gifts on Christmas Eve and some gifts on Christmas morning. And some people in the group were really.

Rachel: [00:26:45] Having a hard.

Alyssa: [00:26:46] Time having a hard time with that, because it's a break in tradition and what they know and what they expected and what they envision of like, it's gonna be Christmas morning when they open my gift.

Alyssa: [00:26:56] And I essentially was like, you don't have to. And we're not gonna make sage specifically because Mila had just turned one plow through gifts just to open them. So we might not all be together when he gets to the gift from you. If we wait and do all of them on Christmas, and it ended up working really well, where we spaced them out over a few days. And then we went to my parents and he had like one from my parents before everyone was there. And just that spacing it out. He then was able to go and play with them. And it's really it's me just navigating it with the adults.

Rachel: [00:27:39] That's what it is. And I am grateful because my parents, they understand who Abel is and they are willing to change things for him one year. He's grown so much in this area, and I actually don't think Christmas is going to be a big issue for him this year. But one year he was literally opening Christmas gifts from my parents. He opened one for his birthday, which is in April, because I had put them downstairs and we were just like going to them like. And I said to my parents, I want to put some of these away and keep them as like a rainy day thing. If he opens them all now, he's going to be just a melty mess. And they even though prior to this, we had always done all gifts Christmas morning and everybody's thanking and and using the toys in front of Mimi and Grampy and all of this. And my parents were just like, totally. That makes sense. Awesome. It's like such a gift.

Alyssa: [00:28:28] Such a gift. And I think what's really key is that the thing that is so hard for us is to say the uncomfortable thing, right? To set that boundary, to say it and stay in relationship with these humans and I for myself, can just be like, this is what we're doing because I'm nervous and I have to really slow down and say, hey, I know that what I'm about to say is going to be different than the way that we've done it in the past. And Zach and I have just been chatting about how to make this work so that there's this potentially as few meltdowns as possible so that we can all enjoy this as much as possible. And we noticed that in the past it's just been gift overwhelm. And so we're trying to think through different strategies. This is one we've come up with.

Rachel: [00:29:17] Yeah I think it's also hard because like I think about my parents and their upbringing. And if one of them had felt overwhelmed in like a birthday party or a Christmas situation, no adult was going to be like, you know what? I can see that this is overwhelming for you. So we're going to space this out or you don't have to open all of these right now. It was like, absolutely not.

Alyssa: [00:29:40] Power through.

Rachel: [00:29:41] Buckle up. Be great.

Alyssa: [00:29:42] Gifts.

Rachel: [00:29:43] You will open them, you will smile you.

Alyssa: [00:29:44] Or you'll have no gifts.

Rachel: [00:29:45] You will say thank you. Or you can kiss Christmas or this birthday goodbye. Like that's what I am picturing. And and my parents were kinder than that. But the sentiment was there in my upbringing to like, this is how we do this. And so I think that it can be a huge stretch then, and I feel compassion for the adults in my life who I'm asking to make changes to these things. The space was not given to them for their own needs to be met. And so it really is a paradigm shift of I know that this is all you've known for these holidays. Totally. And like, here's what I'm seeing that my kid needs, and I'm asking you to be in relationship with me and meeting those needs, even though it's outside of what, you know.

Alyssa: [00:30:25] 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I love that perspective. And to be able to have compassion for like where they're coming at this from and how much we're asking them to stretch. It's super helpful. So for the last question we had was right in line with this over gifting from family and that like, the reality is I can say, here's the list. I cannot control them totally. And this is not new to our generation. It's not like our parents are the first ones to over gift. This has always been happening and I have gotten to the place where because I want to model gratitude, I'm like, great, we're gonna just be so stoked about all these gifts coming in.

Alyssa: [00:31:20] All of them. And then I'm gonna have them all out. The kids are gonna play for them with them for like a week. And then I'm just gonna pull away the ones they're not playing with. Correct. And we have a basement. So I will sometimes box things up and save it for later where I like, can pull something out, especially the, like, long winter months where it's like March. They haven't seen it in two months. And I'm.

Rachel: [00:31:44] Like.

Alyssa: [00:31:45] Look at this.

Rachel: [00:31:45] Thing at four. Look at this cool thing we can play with in the dark.

Alyssa: [00:31:49] Or actually, I've done this with a bunch of gifts where I've saved it, and then I use it for kid birthday parties.

Rachel: [00:31:55] Love it. Oh, I've done that too, actually. Okay, so we have a major over gift in my family.

Alyssa: [00:32:00] Yeah. And I will also, frankly, just donate stuff.

Rachel: [00:32:04] Same. So. But in the beginning of my parenthood, I was like, I was one of those moms, you know, like no plastic, nothing that makes noise.

Alyssa: [00:32:11] All silicone and wood and no electronics. Yeah.

Rachel: [00:32:14] Which, like, for my dopamine seeking kid, all she wanted was like the hot pink plastic things that made noise and interacted with her. But anyway, so I tried to be very, very controlling about what came into the house. And it wasn't good for my relationship with this adult in my life, because what I was communicating to her was a lack of gratitude.

Rachel: [00:32:35] And over the years, I have decided that this is one way for her to show love.

Rachel: [00:32:42] And one way that she likes to show love. And it's okay if that means that like there's some extra clutter in the house for a while and I actually will like prepare for this over gifting by doing a little clean out pre-holiday and creating more space, knowing that this is going to happen. And then I kind of do the same thing. I try to identify what's actually being engaged with and things that aren't either get put away or saved for a rainy day, or sometimes regifted.

Rachel: [00:33:11] But I do think that you're right. At the end of the day we can't control the quantity or the over gifting. And I think often our attempts to control that end up fracturing relationship.

Alyssa: [00:33:23] Yeah. Yeah. Well and one thing we have been talking to Seiji a lot about really over the last year. You know, he's four and a half at this point is how we have so much privilege to have everything that we have and that not everyone has this. And so, you know, whether it's getting groceries and bringing them to a food pantry or dropping them off for folks or donating toys or clothes or things like that, we talk about it and how and I've said things like, we get to have all these toys and there are some people who don't have any of them. I'll be like, can you pick three things that you haven't really been playing with. Or that or I'll have the like pile of stuff I know he hasn't been playing with. And I'll say, can you pick five things from here that we could give to a kid who doesn't have these toys? And then he's a part of it and eager to do it.

Rachel: [00:34:21] I mean, it feels good to do something kind.

Alyssa: [00:34:23] And then we talk about that, like, how does it feel in your body after we go? And we all bring him with me to donate it? It makes the process longer, as everything with kids does, but it has been a good opportunity for him, to a start, to learn about the privilege that we live with and b for him to be a part of the community, and that it's our job to all pitch in and take care of each other. And that's what that looks like. He recently I had gone on a work trip and there was just swag and I brought home just swag. It's like a thing of bubbles. There was a stuffed animal. Yeah. And he clearly wasn't interested in a lot of the swag.

Rachel: [00:35:02] Thank you. I think I should donate this.

Alyssa: [00:35:04] He goes, mom, you know how there are some kids who don't have a lot of toys? I'm gonna have this one. And then I think we should give the rest of them to kids who don't have a lot of toys. Obsessed. It was hilarious.

Rachel: [00:35:18] I do love that, though, because it's one of those, I think, like talking to kids about financial privilege is not easy. But that framing it like that for kids of like getting into their world in a real life application of what that means for other kids who are their same age, and saying, like, here's how we can bridge that gap is such a wonderful way to build that foundation for something that feels very adult and complex.

Alyssa: [00:35:43] Yeah, exactly. Just like, how can I pull it into this world? Because when it comes to over gifting, I largely feel like it's my own work to be like, yeah, we're just gonna let it happen. And then it's the expressing gratitude, all that. And then on the Only afterwards. What happens then? I also just want to put a note in. This didn't come up in the questions, but one of our biggest sources of holiday meltdowns is sensory dysregulation. And so we have episodes on regulation and all that jazz, and what this looks like to support the nervous system that we can link out here below so that you can dive deeper into that from being out of routine, maybe you're traveling for the holidays or people are at your house, or they're just out of routine and that they're not going to school.

Rachel: [00:36:34] Food is off.

Alyssa: [00:36:35] Totally. Food is off. It's at weird times. It's different food. Our day to day looks different. The house looks different. It's often decorated differently. There's different things going on, and then there's just a bunch of stimuli.

Rachel: [00:36:49] And a lot of expectations.

Alyssa: [00:36:51] A lot of expectations with a lot of overstimulation. It's a real recipe, a.

Rachel: [00:36:55] Bad.

Alyssa: [00:36:55] Combo, and then a crap ton of sugar.

Rachel: [00:36:57] Totally.

Alyssa: [00:36:58] I remember the year that we still did chocolate advent calendar. And never again in my life will I do anything. Sugar.

Rachel: [00:37:05] I remember that. Yeah, that.

Alyssa: [00:37:06] Was a disaster. It was the year beans was born.

Rachel: [00:37:08] Dude, what sucks for sage is that, like, beans isn't affected the same way.

Alyssa: [00:37:11] I know, I know, it's a tricky food thing because it really gets.

Rachel: [00:37:16] You can never have an advent calendar again, but beans potentially can.

Alyssa: [00:37:19] Now we have one that is boring. He's like, great. I'm counting down the days till Christmas. That piece of chocolate was real great, mom. Wish I had that one back. Oh, man. But, yeah, it's just like it's way more sugar. You're out of routine. Whatever. And so taking all that into consideration, and we're like. And now look at this person and say thank you. Yeah. And it's just it's a lot.

Rachel: [00:37:42] Perform so that Grammy thinks I'm a good parent.

Alyssa: [00:37:44] 100%. And when we come back to like big kids, bigger feelings. Like, if we can come back to the facts as we outline in the book Food Activity Connection, tune out, sleep and meet those needs first and foremost, then actually getting them to perform.

Rachel: [00:37:58] A lot.

Alyssa: [00:37:58] Easier, a lot easier still might not happen, but a lot easier. Also might not need to happen.

Rachel: [00:38:02] Chances are better.

Alyssa: [00:38:02] Whatever. All right. We'll link out episodes. That might be helpful below for folks who want to dive into those as well. And just remember that even if Grammy thinks you're a trash parent, you're doing a great job. You've got this.

Alyssa: [00:38:18] Thanks for tuning in to Voices of Your Village. Check out the transcript at Voices of Your Village. Com. Did you know that we have a special community over on Instagram hanging out every day with more free content? Come join us at. Take a screenshot of you tuning in. Share it on the gram and tag seeds to let me know your key takeaway. If you're digging this podcast, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. We love collaborating with you to raise emotionally intelligent humans.